Batman and Harold

INT. POLICE STATION FOYER – DAY

A man (HAROLD, 50’s) waits at the counter of a police station holding a few pieces of paper in his hand. Another man (thin, blonde, 30’s) walks up to the counter next to Harold and also begins to wait. Harold catches the other guys eye and nods to him.

A police woman, 30’s, harsh looking, in uniform, exits from behind a locked door.

POLICE WOMAN
Who was next?

HAROLD
Hi, how are you going? I was just hoping to get a this copy of my drivers license certified.

Harold hands the police woman the piece of paper with his photocopy on it.

POLICE WOMAN
I need to see your drivers license.

HAROLD
Right, of course.

Harold takes his wallet from his pocket and pulls his drivers license out and hands it to her. She looks at it and then him intently.

HAROLD (CONT’D)
That’s a couple of years old now, packed on a few since then.

She continues to look at Harold. She moves the drivers license closer to her eye and rotates it back and forth looking for the hologram. Harold rolls his eyes.

POLICE WOMAN
Could you please tell me your date of birth sir.

HAROLD
Are you joking?

She points to her police badge.

POLICE WOMAN
Does this badge make it seem like I’m joking.

HAROLD
Fine, it’s the twentieth of May 1959.

POLICE WOMAN
And have you had a haircut since this photo was taken?

HAROLD
Have I had a haircut within the last three years?

POLICE WOMAN
Just answer the question sir.

HAROLD
Yes, I have had a hair cut within the last three years.

POLICE WOMAN
Yes I thought so, I’m training to be a detective.

HAROLD
That’s wonderful.

POLICE WOMAN

Do you have any other forms of identification sir?

HAROLD
Oh come on now this is to much. I just need you to stamp and sign my form.

POLICE WOMAN
The police need to remain ever vigilant sir. I’m not hired to make you happy, I’m hired to keep you safe.

HAROLD
Okay, whatever Batman, I have a credit card, will that do?

POLICE WOMAN
I suppose it will have to.

She studies the proffered credit card and then somewhat reluctantly hands it back.

She stamps the paper, signs and dates it, and then hands it back to Harold.

HAROLD
Thank you.

POLICE WOMAN
You’re welcome sir, and don’t call ever call me Batman again.

Harold takes the photocopy and his drivers license from the police officer, then the wallet off the desk, and walks out the door.

EXT. POLICE STATION – CONTINUOUS

Harold leaves the police station, puts the photocopy under his arm, and opens his wallet to reinsert his drivers license.

He looks down at in confused.

He pulls out one of the cards, it’s another drivers license, but instead of Harold’s face on it, it has the face of the blond man from inside the police station.

Harold feels his pocket and then pulls out his wallet. He turns back to the police station with a laugh.

INT. POLICE STATION FOYER – CONTINUOUS

Harold walks up the blond man who is now being served by the police officer, and hands him his wallet.

HAROLD
Sorry mate, I accidentally grabbed it when I left before.

The blond man thanks him with a laugh. The police officer looks shocked.

HAROLD (CONT’D)
Stay vigilant Batman.

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Someone on this tram…

INT. TRAM – NIGHT

A crowded tram rails through the city, people talk in the hushed tones usually reserved for public transport, or play quietly on their phones or tablets. Two young men, one dressed in jeans and a T-shirt (DANIEL) the other dressed in a hoodie and chinos (NATHAN) sit on a seat near the middle.

DANIEL
Do you realise someone on this tram is the oldest person out of all of these people and they might not even realise it.

NATHAN
Are you sure because I think it might be that guy over there.

Nathan points to a man a few seats over who looks impossibly old.

DANIEL
Okay, that’s probably true. How about this, someone on this tram would have watched more reruns of friends than anybody else, and probably don’t even know they are that person.

NATHAN
Someone on this tram would have eaten more donuts than anybody else.

DANIEL
Someone on this tram would have vomited more times than anybody else.

NATHAN
Someone on this tram would have peed the bed more than anybody else.

DANIEL
Someone on this tram would have had more sex than anybody else.

NATHAN
Oh I think that’s our old friend over there again.

Nathan points at the old man once more.

DANIEL
Well he’s simply had more time than the rest of us.

NATHAN
Someone on this tram would have had sex with more people than anybody else.

DANIEL
Okay, someone on this tram has a weirder fetish than anybody else.

NATHAN
Someone on this tram has farted and blamed it on someone else more times than anybody else.

DANIEL
Someone on this tram has given more creepy back rubs than anybody else.

NATHAN
Someone on this tram has bigger balls than anybody else.

DANIEL
Well a man on this tram you mean.

NATHAN
Yeah, right.

DANIEL
Someone on this tram has had the worst sexual experience than anybody else and they wouldn’t even know it was them.

NATHAN
I wish as we said these the person who it was would light up.

DANIEL
I love the way your brain works.

NATHAN
Someone on this tram has embarrassingly chocked on water by breathing it in when drinking more times than anybody else.

DANIEL
Someone on this tram has said ‘where’s the beef’ more times than anybody else.

NATHAN
Someone on this tram has said ‘cowabunga’ more times than anybody else.

DANIEL
Someone on this tram will be the next person to die and doesn’t even realise it.

NATHAN
So someone on this tram has a shorter lifespan than anyone else.

DANIEL
What if it’s one of us.

Both guys look at each other then down despondently. This holds for a beat.

NATHAN
Someone on this tram has bushier pubes than anybody else.

The two smile at each other.

DANIEL
That’s a good one, that’s a good one. I think you win.

The Scientists

EXT. WOODS – NIGHT

A harsh wind blows over the deep snow of a winter woods beneath a bright moon. A rabbit sits below one of the many trees. It’s head pricks up, hearing something. It clarifies the sound and bounds away.

A boot crunches down into the snow, then another as two men step forward, crossing through the terrain. They are in the dress of the 1800s, shirts, ties, top hats and long thick jackets.

The two men walk side by side, neither speaks as the crunch loudly through the woods. The one on the RIGHT holds a long reel of copper wire by his side. The one of the LEFT reaches into his jacket pocket and drops something small into the snow. They walk a few more feet and he repeats the action. Pocket. Drop. A few more feet and he repeats it again.

Close up on one of the items to reveal it’s a small knot of copper wire.

The men continue to walk, Left continues to drop the copper knots.

They approach a tree, taller and thicker than the ones around it. It has long red scars scratched all around the trunk like a wild animal has used it for a scratching post. A very large wild animal.

Right unspools some wire from the reel and takes a pair of ancient pliers from his pocket and cuts off a sizable length. He holds one end against the tree and Left takes the other end and walks it around the tree. He meets back up with Right who takes it from him and winds the two ends together. He turns the twisted ends, and the ring of copper, around the tree until the twisted ends points back the way they came. He picks up the reel and the two men turn right and continue walking. Left continues to drop the copper knots.

LEFT
Enough of this. I do believe I have already apologised.

RIGHT
Well I don’t know that I cared for your apology.

LEFT
Care or not it has been given. It would be preferable if we could move past this disagreement, especially in light of the outcome.

RIGHT
I suppose I could consider it.

LEFT
Yes, well, don’t do me too many favours.

The two men approach another tree, similarly large, similarly scarred.

RIGHT
Oh very well, you know I can be touchy when it comes to my research.

The repeat their actions from earlier, tying another copper ring around the tree.

LEFT
Well it’s our research if you care to remember, and science is supposed to be questioned. If it was taken on faith it’d be called religion.

Right once again turns the twisted ends to point back the way they came.

RIGHT
Well some would say that we are attempting to join the two.

They continue to walk, once more at a right angle to the tree. The copper knots continue to drop.

LEFT
Yes, and those same people would also see us drawn and quartered for it. Idiots.

RIGHT
Powerful idiots.

LEFT
Don’t remind me. I hope this works so we can leave this damn town.

Another large and scarred tree comes up before them and the two men once more repeat their actions.

RIGHT
It will work. Don’t start this again right after I’ve forgiven you.

LEFT
Of course not, we wouldn’t want you sulking again would we.

They continue to walk.

RIGHT
Sulk! Please I’m a scientist and a gentleman, I’ve never sulked a day in my life.

LEFT
A gentleman is it? I’m not sure that’s what these ‘powerful idiots’ would call you.

RIGHT
No I presume you’re right.

LEFT
You agree with me about something! I’m glad to hear it. I do believe they would call you a scientist though, they would just tack ‘mad’ to the front of it.

The two men come upon footprints in the snow, and both look down to see one of the copper knots. They’ve come full circle.

RIGHT
It looks like we’re done. Time to flick the switch. Let’s go be mad scientists shall we?

LEFT
Gladly.

Emergency Shopping

INT. PETROL STATION – NIGHT

A YOUNG MAN jogs briskly into a petrol station and starts to look quickly through the few shelves for something. He finishes his circuit of the store unsuccessful and approaches the counter. The ATTENDANT behind it is a pudgy, moustached, middle aged man, his shirt tucked in.

YOUNG MAN
Hi, can I-

ATTENDANT
Hello.

YOUNG MAN
Uh, yeah, hi. Can I ge-

ATTENDANT
How are you today young sir?

YOUNG MAN
I’m, I’m great. Look I need-

ATTENDANT
Well that’s good. Did I see you drive up in an old Daewoo Lanos?

YOUNG MAN
Yeah, but-

ATTENDANT
My cousin David, he used to drive one of those. He loved that car, always took it for long drives up the coast. You ever take it for a drive along the coast?

YOUNG MAN
No. Now I-

ATTENDANT
Oh it’s beautiful up there, but you do need to be careful. David, one time you see, he was driving along there at night when, and David he swears by this, a camel stepped out in front of him! Can you believe that?

YOUNG MAN
That’s great. Now I was-

ATTENDANT
Now I know what you’re going to say.

YOUNG MAN
I don’t think you do.

ATTENDANT
What was a camel doing on the coast of Victoria? Well I said the same thing to David, and he said it had escaped from a truck on the way to the zoo. Isn’t that something?

YOUNG MAN
Look, I just want-

ATTENDANT
Now anyway, David saw this camel and he immediately swerved out of the way, but those old Daewoo’s, the engineering’s not so good you know, and so the steering locked and his car went right over the edge! How do you like that.

YOUNG MAN
Quite a story, you told it beautifully, now if I could just-

ATTENDANT
Well it’s not over yet you see.

YOUNG MAN
Could it be though, because I really need-

ATTENDANT
So David managed to get out of the car and jump free. Only thing is the car landed without a scratch and David, well his leg snapped and the bone it, popped, right out of his leg.

YOUNG MAN
Oh my God. Oh, man, that is just appalling!

ATTENDANT
I know! That shard of bone was just sticking right out saying hello to the world. Now David he said-

YOUNG MAN
Look, that’s a truly, just, horrible story, but I really just came in here to buy some condoms!

ATTENDANT
Oh ho ho, the young sir has a lady does he?

YOUNG MAN
Yes, so if I could just…

ATTENDANT
Well we wouldn’t want to keep her waiting would we?

YOUNG MAN
No, that’s kind of the point.

The attendant looks through the shelf below him. He shows the young man various packs as the young man urges him on.

ATTENDANT
Let me see here, what have we got. Oh there’s one here that glows in the dark, can you believe that? Ohh and there’s another one here that’s flavoured, I don’t really know what that’s for. Okay. Now these ones they have a vibrating tip, for the young ladies pleasure I believe. No? Just the regular ones then? Okay that will be seven fifty.

YOUNG MAN
Great, thank you.

The young man hurriedly hands his a note and some change, and reaches for the box. The attendant is about to hand them to him when a though takes him and he moves his hand back again.

ATTENDANT
You know my cousin David-

The young man jumps at the counter, grabs the box from the attendant’s hand and races out of the store. The attendant calls out happily to his retreating form.

ATTENDANT (CONT’D)
Come back anytime.

Venting Machine

INT. SMALL ROOM – DAY

A large vending machine sits against a blank wall. Inside it sit the usual treats; chips, lollies, and chocolate.

A shadow falls across the vending machine as a MAN steps up to it. He studies it’s contents for a moment before pulling a coin out of his pocket and inserts it into the coin slot. On the keyboard he presses D4.

The mechanics of the machine whirl, the coil at D4 rotates, and the twix bar that sits in it gets pushed forward. It hits the edge of its shelf and slips forward only to be caught at the last moment on the edge of the coil.

The man stares at the hanging chocolate bar for a moment and then hits the side of the machine hard. The chocolate bar wobbles but doesn’t fall.

He hits the machine again with the same result.

He grabs the machine on both sides and shakes it from side to side and then backwards and forwards. Still the bar refuses to drop.

Breathing hard from the exertion the man thinks. He looks behind him and then disappears off screen for a moment. He rushes back into screen and rams himself into the machine. The chocolate bar barely moves.

He kneels down and sticks his arm up into the slot reaching for the chocolate bar, it’s not even close.

He stands up and looks around and spots something off to the side. Again he exits off screen and returns holding a long thin tree branch. He bends down and sticks the branch and his arm up through the slot.

He points the branch towards D4 and his hanging twix. It doesn’t reach. He pushes himself in more but the stick still doesn’t reach. Madly he wiggles the stick back and forth below the twix. It sways slightly but still isn’t going anywhere.

He pulls the stick out and snaps it over his knee and then glares at his twix.

He thinks again and the grabs the front of the machine and drags the whole thing forward. He walks behind the machine and starts to ram it from the back. He hears a thud and runs around the front of the machine to see him twix has dropped but is now caught on the row below it.

The man shakes his fists into the sky.

He waggles his finger at the machine and then pulls his wallet from his pocket.

He takes another coin and puts it into the machine, this time pressing C4, where his chocolate bar is now hanging from.

The coil rotates and the chocolate bar, a snickers, moves forward. He stares on with happy anticipation. The snickers drops a centimeter then gets caught on the hanging twix.

The man screams in wordless rage.

He starts to click all the buttons on the keypad.

He charges at the machine from either side, raming into it as hard as he can over and over again.

He grabs the machine in both hands and shakes it as violently and aggressively as he can.

Both chocolate bars continue to hang.

The man stares at them despondently. Then his shoulders drop as he lets out a big sigh. He finishes the sigh by closing his eyes and placing his head against the front glass of the machine with a small bump. A moment after he does so he hears a swish and then two thuds from the base of the machine.

He looks up, the chocolates are gone, they’ve fallen into the tray.

He reaches into the tray and pulls out both chocolates with glee.

He walks away from the machine, past an exit door with trees outside, and down a hospital hallway and enters a room.

In a bed a young boy sits. He looks over to the man. The man pulls both chocolates from his pocket and hold them up in front of the boy.

The boy raises both hands over his head as he cries out in joy.

The Day After

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING

The sun shines brightly through the open windows to display a beautiful master bedroom. The walls are adorned with photos of children, all the furniture leans towards the expensive kind and the room in neat and tidy, except for one thing. The two slovenly people tangled up in the mess of sheets. DAVE and TAMARA are late 30’s and neither are looking particularly well.

Dave opens one eye and immediately winces in pain. He rolls over to look at Tamara who’s holding her face in her hands.

DAVE
Tamara, if this is what death feels like I’m not a fan.

TAMARA
Oh my God your breath stinks. Oh my God my breath stinks.

DAVE
My mouth tastes, and feels, like the fuzz you find on moldy fruit.

TAMARA
They must have put someone’s orthotics in the wine because I’m definitely getting flavours of feet.

DAVE
I don’t think I can even remember how we got home last night. I think a horse was involved? Can you remember a horse?

TAMARA
The last thing I remember was that merlot sculling contest Abby and I got into.

DAVE
Oh yeah, you won right?

TAMARA
Doesn’t feel like it right now.

DAVE
What were we thinking? We are way to old to be binge drinking like this.

TAMARA
I didn’t even drink like this when I was in my twenties. I’m actually a little impressed by us.

DAVE
You certainly know how to drink extensive quantities of wine my lady.

TAMARA
You weren’t to bad yourself. I saw the way you handled that wine bong.

DAVE
Well a thank you. Ohhh, if only it didn’t hurt so much though. The back of my eyes feel bruised.

TAMARA
I think I need to eat something greasy. Like a pizza, and some chips and gravy, and then finish it off with an egg and bacon roll.

Dave sits up a little and looks around the room.

DAVE
I would get you all of those things but I think if I stand up the floor will tilt around me.

TAMARA
You’re right, let’s just stay in bed all day.

DAVE
We should probably get up.

TAMARA
No, stay with me in bed all day.

DAVE
No, we’ve got to get up. The kids will be waiting for us.

TAMARA
Oh no, not the kids. If they come running in here right now, screaming and jumping with my head the way it is, I will throw up on one of them.

DAVE
Why did we even have children.

TAMARA
I don’t know, I really don’t know.

From outside the closed door the sound of thumping feet is heard.

DAVE
Oh no, here they come.

The door swings open and three children stand there. They look at the two in the bed and stop, shocked looks on their faces.

Tamara and Dave look back faces blank, then both panic.

TAMARA
Oh shit, Dave, we don’t have kids!

DAVE
Where are we?

TAMARA
Holy crap, this is not our house.

The pair scramble out of the covers and grab their stuff off the floor and push past the still in shock kids with a hung over smile.

DAVE
We really are too old for this.

TAMARA
Where are their parents?

Job Interview

INT. OFFICE – DAY

A woman sits at a desk, late 30’s, well kept, with the body language of someone clearly in charge. Across from her sits a slightly overweight middle aged man. He looks uncomfortable in a shirt and tie, with the tie tied askew. On the floor to the side a little girl sits.

WOMAN
Well we’ll start with the obvious, why do you want to join the team?

The woman’s smartphone rings loudly into the room.

WOMAN (CONT’D)
(Embarrassed)
Sorry, hold that thought.

She looks down a the phone to see a man’s face with the contact name ‘Hubby’ written above it. The woman declines the call.

WOMAN (CONT’D)
Sorry, just my husband. You were saying.

The man is looking at the little girl with an amused look on his face. He brings his attention back to the woman.

MAN
Well I’ve been working in warehouses for twenty years and-

The woman’s phone interrupts him, once more ringing loudly. The woman quickly picks it up.

WOMAN
My apologies. I’ll put it on silent. Continue.

The man shares a smile with the little girl who looks to be holding back a giggle. Out of view from the woman the girl holds a phone. The woman notices the mans attention.

WOMAN (CONT’D)
Oh that’s my daughter, don’t mind her.

MAN
No problem. So I was saying-

The phone interrupts again, this time vibrating loudly on the desk.

WOMAN
Just ignore it, it’ll stop in a moment.

The phone stops and the woman smiles at the man to continue. He opens his mouth to speak when the phone starts to vibrate again. In a rage the woman picks up the phone and answers it.

WOMAN (CONT’D)
What? What do you want?

The man and the little girl both burst out laughing. The woman looks at the man, then to her daughter and sees she is holding the phone.

MAN
I’m sorry, your daughter is very funny.

WOMAN
Oh yes, she’s horribly funny isn’t she?

MAN
Okay, what was the question again?

WOMAN
Oh, no more questions. You clearly think thus is a joke. Thanks so much for your time, you will not be hearing from us.