Mexican Food and Pet Ownership

EXT. CAFE – DAY Two men sit out side a trendy cafe on a sunny day. They’re brothers DANIEL and NATHAN.

NATHAN
And that’s why you should never feed a cat Tabasco sauce.

DANIEL
That was a disturbing story.

NATHAN
If you want disturbing I can show you the photos?

DANIEL
I’m going to pass on that, forever. I knew you shouldn’t of got that cat.

NATHAN
Hey Mr. Boots loves me, he just doesn’t love my cooking. You wouldn’t think someone who eats his own vomit would be so picky.

DANIEL
Your cooking isn’t the problem, the problem is that you’re giving Mr. Boots your infamous and racsistly titled Brown Chili Choker Pork Poppers.

NATHAN
I thought you liked my pork poppers!

DANIEL
I do, cat’s clearly don’t though. Maybe because chili isn’t part of their natural diet. If you have to feed him people food at least give him milk or something like a normal person.

NATHAN
You think milk is part of their natural diet? You think grown cats sneak up to cows, climb up them and drink from their udders?

DANIEL
It would be adorable if they did.

NATHAN
Wouldn’t it.

DANIEL
But that’s not the point. Clearly any food including Tabasco sauce should not be in Mr. Boot’s diet.

NATHAN
I suppose, I just had so many pork poppers left over, you know I hate waste, and it’d be criminal to have a pork popper without tabasco sauce on top. Do you really think I shouldn’t of adopted Mr. Boots?

DANIEL
First of all don’t say adopted for a pet, I hate when people say that. Pets are not children, and if they were paying for them would be a crime, as would neutering. Secondly a cat can be a lot of work and they’re fussy and you’re very… Why not get a fish, or a turtle, or maybe a pet rock.

NATHAN
I hope that last one was a joke.

DANIEL
Kind of.

NATHAN
You know how much love I have to give and you know I am currently minus one girlfriend. As I’m not having much luck in the clunge department-

DANIEL
Do you have to say clunge?

NATHAN
I thought a friendly feline would help. I just wanted someone to greet me happily at the door. To sit on my lap and wag their tail. I’m sorry I can’t repress my emotions like you.

DANIEL
I know you have a lot of love to give and I love you like a brother.

NATHAN
I am your brother.

DANIEL
Right, and you’re the best brother anyone could ask for, you’re just a god awful pet owner…god awful.

NATHAN
Is this all because I brought Mr. Boots to our lunch. Next to table tied up on a leash is a cat who’s straining against the leash to scratch at Daniels leg.

DANIEL
I hate Mr. Boots.

NATHAN
I hear what you’re saying, maybe I did rush into this and maybe he would be better off with some one else. He’s never seemed that happy anyway, he never even wants to play fetch.

DANIEL
I’ve got to be honest it sounds like you just want a dog.

NATHAN
Hey did you eat those Hermano Hotcakes I gave you? You know hermano means brother right.

DANIEL
I did, and I loved that you named them after us but you know hot cakes aren’t meant to be hot right? I mean they’re pancakes, do you have to put chili in everything?

NATHAN
Now you sound just like Mr. Boots.

DANIEL
You’re right, I’m sorry, they were great. What do you think you’ll do with Mr. Boots anyway?

NATHAN
Oh he chewed through his leash a moment ago and ran off. They both look down to see the leash has been gnawed in half and Mr. Boots is gone.

DANIEL
Oh, well, that solves that then. More coffee?

NATHAN Please.

In the distance, away from the cafe and the brothers, Mr. Boots chases after some screaming children.

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