Potty Talk

INT. FOOTBALL STADIUM – DAY

JOHN (24, uptight) squeezes past the other spectators legs to sit in his seat next to his girlfriend MARY (23, smiley). RAY (24, hipster) looks up at John as he returns, seated next to him, intently watching the footy is BILL (24, footy fanatic). In front of them all a football game is being played.

MARY
How did you go?

JOHN
About as well as you can go when using a public bathroom. Which is to say I stood on a metal rail, covered in an amalgamation of who knows how many guys piss. Then, with other guys packed tightly in beside me, had to try and urinate into a trough like an animal. All while trying to avoid any splash back.

RAY
Don’t you usually opt for a stall?

JOHN
I do Ray, I do. But when these animals known as football supporters somehow manage to cover them in shit, well then even getting my cock out in public seems preferable.

MARY
I have a question about that.

JOHN
How they manage to shit everywhere? I have no idea, I mean once you’re sitting it should really only have one direction to go.

MARY
No not that. When you’re standing at the urinal, where do you look?

JOHN
Well you either look down at yourself, but that can be a bit awkward, so you suddenly develop a deep fascination with the tiles in front of you.

RAY
I like to close my eyes, sometimes I even hum. It’s very relaxing.

JOHN
For you maybe. Your humming just reminds me how close you are to me while we’re both holding ourselves.

MARY
Do you ever…look?

                          JOHN                                                                                                          RAY
Never.                                                                                                            All the time.

JOHN
What? You look?

RAY
Sure, just to check things out.

MARY
What, like, their length?

RAY
I suppose, that doesn’t really bother me so much. More their manscaping.

JOHN
Sorry, just to check things out!

MARY
Why do you care about their manscaping?

RAY
Oh you know, just to keep up with the latest trends. How bushy are they? How trimmed? Do they have anything shaved into it. That kind of thing, you know, get some tips.

JOHN
How bushy! You are mad. Mary let me set this straight, a normal man doesn’t check out his fellows while he’s having a piss.

RAY
Of course they do. You do don’t you Bill?

Ray hits Bill on the arm. He manages to drag himself away from the game for a minute.

BILL
What’s that?

RAY
At the urinal, you’ll have a sneaky look across won’t you?

BILL
Oh yeah of course, you’ve got to know the latest manscaping techniques, don’t want to be to bushy.

JOHN
What is this sudden concern with bushiness!

Bill returns to the game.

RAY
See, it’s just to make sure you’re normal.

JOHN
Have you…ever looked at me?

RAY
Almost every time.

JOHN
And, am I normal? Am I too…bushy?

RAY
Only one way to find out mate, in fact all this talk has made me need to go.

Ray stands and starts to wedge his way out of the row of seats.

John stares ahead for a beat, thinking intently.

JOHN
Dammit.

John stands and follows Ray.

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Psychic Pizza

EXT. HOUSE – EVENING

A young pizza delivery driver, MARK (22, laid back), dressed in the dishevelled uniform of his company, carrying a pizza box, rings a doorbell.

As he waits, Mark looks at a sign next to the door. It reads ‘ANTHONY MARCONI, PSYCHIC’. After a moment the door is opened by a short, moustached, middle aged Italian man, dressed in a casual robe.

MARK
Hello.

ANTHONY
Ah my pizza, lovely. How much is it?

MARK
Are you a psychic?

ANTHONY
(proudly)
What? Oh, yes I am.

MARK
Can’t you just predict how much it will be then?

ANTHONY
You obviously know nothing about how psychic abilities work. I can see future events, not predict pizza prices.

MARK
But couldn’t you see yourself in the future paying me the amount it cost, and then know from that?

Anthony sighs.

ANTHONY
I’m sure your small mind couldn’t truly grasp the complicated nature of my gift so I’m not even going to bother to try and explain it to you. Now how much is the pizza?

MARK
You don’t really have powers though do you? I mean, you just tell people what they want to hear right? You can tell me, I won’t judge.

ANTHONY
How dare you doubt my abilities! My third eye can see the future as well as your bloodshot ones can see the present.

MARK
You can’t see it very concisely though can you?

ANTHONY
I’ll have you know I have been known to predict events down to the very second that they happen.

MARK
Okay, predict something for me right now. Predict what colour car is going to pass by your house next.

ANTHONY
Young man people pay a lot of money for my services. What I do is an craft, and I am a master of my craft. You wouldn’t ask a doctor for free medical services would you?

MARK
I probably would if I was dying.

ANTHONY
Well luckily for me you’re not dying.

MARK
Aren’t I?

ANTHONY
Nice try. I’m not about to use my psychic powers for the likes of you.

MARK
Because they don’t exist.

ANTHONY
Enough, tell me how much my pizza is so I can have you gone from my doorway.

MARK
It’s twelve fifty.

ANTHONY
Here, take your money, and give me my pizza.

Mark and Anthony swap money for pizza.

ANTHONY (CONT’D)
Now, be gone.

Anthony turns to go.

MARK
Do you want to know how I know you don’t have psychic abilities?

Anthony stops and turns back to face Mark.

ANTHONY
Oh yes please do tell. Tell me how your feeble mind is able to so absolutely discredit the celebrated abilities of one of the greatest psychic minds living today.

MARK
I had to ring the doorbell.

Mark smiles at the flummoxed Anthony, turns and walks away.

Tea with Nan

INT. LOUNGE ROOM – DAY

JACK (20) sits on an old floral couch in the centre of a seventies style house, pastel colours and wooden panelling dominate. Beside him sits his NAN. Jack puts down his cup of tea.

JACK
Well this has been really nice Nan, but I should be going. I’ll see you next week?

NAN
Wait, wait, wait.

Nan stands up and quickly hobbles over to the adjoining room with small quick steps. She returns with a hundred dollar note in her hand.

NAN (CONT’D)
Here you go, this is for you.

JACK
No, Nan, I told you last time I don’t need you giving me money any more.

NAN
It’s for you, go on, take it.

JACK
Nan, it’s very generous, but I really don’t need it.

NAN
Oh I just found it anyway so you might as well take it.

JACK
You found some money?

NAN
Yes, yes, yes, so here you go.

Nan tries to force the money into Jack’s hand. He quickly holds them out of her way like he’s being held up.

JACK
Nan, I don’t want the money.

NAN
Well take it for your university text books, I know they’re expensive.

JACK
Nan, I appreciate the thought but I’m an adult now, and I have my job at the cafe. Really I’m fine.

NAN
Well what about that trip you’re planning for the end of the year, you need money for that.

Nan again tries to push the money into Jack who steps back to avoid it.

JACK
I’m saving up for that, I’ve got a budget. Again, thanks, but I’ll be fine.

NAN
Oh alrigh- AUGHH.

Nan slips and falls to the floor. Her hand lands on Jacks satchel beside the couch.

JACK
Nan are you alright?

NAN
Oh yes, just tripped I guess.

Nan’s hand, with the money in it, clearly enters Jacks satchel.

JACK
Nan, I saw that.

Jack helps his Nan up and then removes the money from his satchel and hands it back to her.

JACK (CONT’D)
Nan, I don’t need the money, and you shouldn’t fake a fall to try and give it to me.

NAN
Alright, alright, I get it. Give your Nan a hug then.

Jack leans in and hugs Nan. As they hug Nan looks down. In her hand she rolls up the note and slowly tries to slide it down Jack’s arse crack. Jack pushes her away

JACK
NAN!

Jack grabs the note from the back of his pants and gives it back to her.

JACK (CONT’D)
Did you really think I wasn’t going to feel that?

NAN
Okay, you win, you don’t have to take the money. Will at least take this little cake I made for you?

Nan quickly exits and then reenters holding a small cake on a plate. She hands it to Jack.

JACK
There’s no money under here is there.

Jack lifts the cake up a little to look for money underneath it.

NAN
No, there’s no money underneath it. Alright love, it was lovely seeing you.

Nan walks Jack to the door and gives him a kiss.

JACK
You too Nan, and thanks for the cake.

Focusing in on the cake in Jack’s hand, the centre of the cake is revealed as though being looked at by superman’s x-ray vision. Inside of it is a small plastic bag, inside which sits a hundred dollar note.

Nan smiles.

NAN
You’re very welcome.

Beers in the Bath

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

JIM (22, looks like he would be a really good badminton player) walks into his bathroom. He sees something off screen and screams.

It’s revealed what he sees is his roommate TOM (23, hairy enough to be part ape) as he sits in the bathtub, with excessive amounts of bubbles covering him, as he drinks a beer.

JIM
What are you doing?

TOM
What are you doing? It’s called knocking Jim, maybe you’ve heard of it?

JIM
I didn’t know that you were…why are you having a bath?

TOM
I like baths.

JIM
You’re joking me, I’ve never known you to have a bath before.

TOM
(indignant)
I usually have them when you’re not home. I knew you’d give me that judgmental little hamster face you have right now.

Tom looks confused, looks at himself in the mirror, then flattens his features.

JIM
And you’re drinking a Tooheys extra dry?

TOM
It’s my favourite beer.

JIM
Well it is a bit weird Tom. You’re a fully grown man having a bubble bath.

TOM
It’s no weirder than they way you play with children’s toys.

JIM
They’re called lego, and I collect them.

TOM
Do you put them together the way kids do on the boxes?

JIM
Yes.

TOM
Have I caught you acting out little scenes using the lego?

JIM
Okay, that was to entertain my niece.

TOM
Really? Because I noticed when she went home you kept going.

JIM
Well the princess had yet to be saved. But don’t change the topic, I’m not the one currently naked and surrounded by bubbles!

TOM
You want me to clear some of the bubbles away.

Tom winks jokingly at Jim.

JIM
I’ll pass.

TOM
Have you ever had a bath before Jim?

JIM
Not since I was am kid.

TOM
That’s what I thought. Let me explain to you what a bath is like. As you lower yourself in warmth seeps its way into every part of you. You can smell the clean, soapy scent of the bubbles as your whole body almost involuntarily relaxes. Your mind goes blank and you forget every stress you have as you seem to melt away. It’s the closest you’ll ever get to being back in the womb.

Tom’s words stop and Jim is silent for a beat. He almost whispers with reverence when he finally responds.

JIM
That, that actually sounds really good. But why are the beer?

TOM
I like taking baths and I like drinking beer. The two together is practically heaven.

Tom picks a bottle up from the six pack on the ground and offers it to Jim. He stares at it, indecisive, for a beat.

CUT TO:

Tom and Jim now both sit in the bath together, surrounded by bubbles, and drink beer.

JIM
You were right, I take it all back, this is amazing.

TOM
It’d be more amazing if I couldn’t feel your balls on my leg.

Jim repositions himself.

JIM
Sorry.

Tom holds up his bottle of beer.

TOM
To beers in the bath.

Jim hold up his.

JIM
Tooheys in the tub.

TOM
Good one.

They chink their bottles together.

Save me Superman

EXT. METROPOLIS CITY STREET – DAY

SUPERMAN flies casually above the busy city streets. From below a chubby middle aged man with a goatee and the greasy slicked back hair of someone who uses too much product yells out to him. This man’s name is RANDALL.

RANDALL
Superman, help. Emergency.

Superman looks down to see Randall wave his arms at him. He flies down and lands next to him.

SUPERMAN
Hello citizen, what seems to be the problem?

RANDALL
I’ve only gone and locked my keys in my car haven’t I.

Randall points to the ignition of a beat up old Pontiac in which are some keys.

SUPERMAN
You’ve locked your keys in your car?

RANDALL
Yeah, so if you could just, superhero them out or whatever that’d be great.

SUPERMAN
You want me to superhero them out?

RANDALL
Yeah.

SUPERMAN
You realise I’m not roadside assistance, I’m Superman. I save the world from disaster on a weekly basis.

RANDALL
Sure, sure, but if you just pop the ol’ keys out then you can continue on with your superheroing.

SUPERMAN
Do you have any idea how far beneath me this is? I mean if this was the presidents car maybe, but for you? No way.

RANDALL
Well you could though is my point. You help people right? I need helping.

SUPERMAN
How are you not getting this? Lex Luthor is probably scheming up an idea to take over the world right now. Lois Lane is undoubtable in some kind of peril as we speak and you want me to get your keys out of your car? This is absurd.

RANDALL
Right, so you’re just wasting time now aren’t you? If you had just got my keys out of my car from the start you could be well on your way by now.

SUPERMAN
I AM SUPERMAN. I’ve saved the world from aliens. I’ve defeated countless super villains. I fight with the justice league. I’ve beaten off hordes of killer robots and stopped wars. I can jump tall buildings in a single bound, I’m faster then a locomotive, I have superhuman strength and am invulnerable to bullets, I shoot fucking lasers out of my eyes! I don’t get keys from cars.

RANDALL
I bet Batman would do it.

SUPERMAN
Right. You want to get into your car? I’ll get you into your car!

Superman hands dig into the metal around the outside of the passenger side door. With a heave he rips the door off and throws it hard, high up into the sky where it disappears from view.

SUPERMAN (CONT’D)
There you go, I’d like to see Batman do that.

Superman launches him self into the air and flies off, giving Randall the finger as he goes.

Randall watches him go, looks in the direction his door flew off to, then looks back over to the car. Randall bends down to look through the open hole in his car. He looks at the drivers side door and sees that the lock knob is up.

RANDALL
Oh, look at that, it was unlocked the whole time!

The Art of Conversation

INT. OFFICE – DAY

RACHEL (25) and SAM (28) sit in their shared cubicle. Each work at their computer.

SAM
You know how we have six senses? Well I read this thing the other day that said we actually have loads more than that.

RACHEL
Unless you can see dead people I think you mean five, but go on.

SAM
Well I was reading this thing on the internet.

RACHEL
Always credible.

SAM
And it said that we actually have closer to twenty one senses.

RACHEL
Right, Sam, where did you read this? Because if this is one of your conspiracy theory nonsense sites then I’m not going to participate in this conversation.

SAM
No it was one of those science sites, ‘Isn’t science fucking great’ or something like that.

RACHEL
Alright, so what were some of these extra senses?

SAM
Magnets.

RACHEL
What?

SAM
Magnets.

RACHEL
You can’t just say magnets Sam and expect me to know what that means. What are you saying?

SAM
We can detect magnets.

RACHEL
Why do I bother? Do you mean magnetic fields?

SAM
Yeah that’s right.

RACHEL
Right, well maybe say that next time. Just saying magnets is not helpful. So what, can we control metal like magneto?

SAM
No I just think it helps us get around really.

RACHEL
Alright, what else made the list?

SAM
Proprioception.

RACHEL
What’s that?

SAM
The sense that tells you where your body parts are.

RACHEL
So you can remember proprioception but before all you can say is magnets.

SAM
I like the way it sounds.

RACHEL
Fair enough. Alright that’s a good one, what else was there?

SAM
Hunger was one.

RACHEL
Oh yeah, that’s quite good, that makes sense.

SAM
Thirst.

RACHEL
Seems similar to hunger but I guess different mechanisms are involved. Alright you’ve got me now, this is actually quite interesting. Any others?

SAM
Not falling over.

RACHEL
Right, and you’ve lost me again. What do you mean? You can’t just say not falling over and expect me to know what that means?

SAM
Well just how we’re able to stand upright all the time.

RACHEL
It’s like talking to a chimp.

SAM
We can balance.

RACHEL
Okay so equilibrium. We have a sense that allows us to perceive our own equilibrium.

SAM
Yeah, so we don’t fall over.

Beat.

RACHEL
You make it really hard to talk to you sometimes Sam. Okay, so any others?

SAM
Hot and cold.

RACHEL
Alright I’m done. I can’t talk to you any more. Just tell me the link, I’ll look it up myself.

SAM
Alright, it was ‘fuck, science is good’ dot com.

RACHEL
That’s different from what you said before!

SAM
Oh, well I guess I can’t remember it then.

RACHEL
Great, perfect. Lovely talking to you as always Sam.

On the Nature of Giving

EXT. SUPERMARKET – DAY

SIMON (29) walks outside the front of a supermarket. Ahead, between Simon and the doorway, is a small table with three people hovering around all entering customers in order to try and collect money. Simon looks up and sees them.

SIMON
Oh shit.

Simon takes his phone from his pocket and begins to pretend to send a text. Simon approaches the table deeply engrossed in his phone. One of the money collectors, a middle aged man, targets him and quickly approaches.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Hey there mate, you doing some shopping today?

Simon doesn’t look up from his phone as he walks past.

SIMON
Yep.

The money collector isn’t perturbed and begins to walk beside him.

MONEY COLLECTOR
That’s great, so we’re collecting money for charity if you can give a donation.

SIMON
Sorry I don’t have any cash on me, just my card.

The money collector steps in front of Simon, just in front of the doorway to the supermarket.

MONEY COLLECTOR
That’s no problem, we take eftpos.

He points over to the little table where an eftpos machine sits.

Simon looks over at the table then back to the now smug looking money collector. Seeing the smug smile on the money collectors face Simon puts his phone back into his pocket, and smiles back at him.

SIMON
Actually I’m not really interested in giving to your charity.

MONEY COLLECTOR
You’re not interested in giving to charity?

SIMON
That’s right.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Even a few dollars will help, although we often encourage people to sign up for a once a month donation that can be taken straight from you bank account.

SIMON
But I just told you I don’t want to give any money to you.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Surly you can spare a few dollars?

SIMON
How do you know that? And what if I couldn’t? Would you give me some money? But that’s not the point. I don’t want to give you money, what I would like to do is go shopping.

The money collector steps aside and Simon begins to walk to the door.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Well I’m sorry me trying to do some good has bothered you. Maybe you should give it a try some time.

Simon stops and turns back to the money collector.

SIMON
See, that is exactly why I didn’t want to give you any money. You act as though I’m a such a bad guy for making that choice. How do you know if I’m a good guy or not? I could spend all my time living a good life, helping people, and just being an all around good person. But all of that is deemed irrelevant if I don’t hand over money because you happened to ask for it.

MONEY COLLECTOR
So what? You think people should only be charitable if they think they’re a bad person?

SIMON
People can be as charitable or as not charitable as they want, and that’s exactly my point. You’re not giving me the choice to be charitable you’re just saying I should, and worse you’re try to bully it out of me.

MONEY COLLECTOR
I’m just trying to collect money for a charity. I’m not bullying anyone.

SIMON
Yes you are, and you know it. You continued to pressure me to give money well past the point where I blatantly told you I didn’t want to. I think you like the challenge of trying to force people into giving money, and that just makes me not want to give it to you. If you had just asked nicely without all the games and friendly intimidation I very well might have donated.

The money collector looks abashed.

MONEY COLLECTOR
I, I guess you’re right, part of me does like the challenge. I’m sorry.

This slows Simon down, who visibly calms.

SIMON
I…I wasn’t expecting that. Look it’s alright, just don’t try and bully people in the future. Provide the opportunity to be charitable, that’s all.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Got you. So, would you like to make a donation?

Beat.

SIMON
Shit, I have to now don’t I?