Save me Superman


SUPERMAN flies casually above the busy city streets. From below a chubby middle aged man with a goatee and the greasy slicked back hair of someone who uses too much product yells out to him. This man’s name is RANDALL.

Superman, help. Emergency.

Superman looks down to see Randall wave his arms at him. He flies down and lands next to him.

Hello citizen, what seems to be the problem?

I’ve only gone and locked my keys in my car haven’t I.

Randall points to the ignition of a beat up old Pontiac in which are some keys.

You’ve locked your keys in your car?

Yeah, so if you could just, superhero them out or whatever that’d be great.

You want me to superhero them out?


You realise I’m not roadside assistance, I’m Superman. I save the world from disaster on a weekly basis.

Sure, sure, but if you just pop the ol’ keys out then you can continue on with your superheroing.

Do you have any idea how far beneath me this is? I mean if this was the presidents car maybe, but for you? No way.

Well you could though is my point. You help people right? I need helping.

How are you not getting this? Lex Luthor is probably scheming up an idea to take over the world right now. Lois Lane is undoubtable in some kind of peril as we speak and you want me to get your keys out of your car? This is absurd.

Right, so you’re just wasting time now aren’t you? If you had just got my keys out of my car from the start you could be well on your way by now.

I AM SUPERMAN. I’ve saved the world from aliens. I’ve defeated countless super villains. I fight with the justice league. I’ve beaten off hordes of killer robots and stopped wars. I can jump tall buildings in a single bound, I’m faster then a locomotive, I have superhuman strength and am invulnerable to bullets, I shoot fucking lasers out of my eyes! I don’t get keys from cars.

I bet Batman would do it.

Right. You want to get into your car? I’ll get you into your car!

Superman hands dig into the metal around the outside of the passenger side door. With a heave he rips the door off and throws it hard, high up into the sky where it disappears from view.

There you go, I’d like to see Batman do that.

Superman launches him self into the air and flies off, giving Randall the finger as he goes.

Randall watches him go, looks in the direction his door flew off to, then looks back over to the car. Randall bends down to look through the open hole in his car. He looks at the drivers side door and sees that the lock knob is up.

Oh, look at that, it was unlocked the whole time!

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