Potty Talk

INT. FOOTBALL STADIUM – DAY

JOHN (24, uptight) squeezes past the other spectators legs to sit in his seat next to his girlfriend MARY (23, smiley). RAY (24, hipster) looks up at John as he returns, seated next to him, intently watching the footy is BILL (24, footy fanatic). In front of them all a football game is being played.

MARY
How did you go?

JOHN
About as well as you can go when using a public bathroom. Which is to say I stood on a metal rail, covered in an amalgamation of who knows how many guys piss. Then, with other guys packed tightly in beside me, had to try and urinate into a trough like an animal. All while trying to avoid any splash back.

RAY
Don’t you usually opt for a stall?

JOHN
I do Ray, I do. But when these animals known as football supporters somehow manage to cover them in shit, well then even getting my cock out in public seems preferable.

MARY
I have a question about that.

JOHN
How they manage to shit everywhere? I have no idea, I mean once you’re sitting it should really only have one direction to go.

MARY
No not that. When you’re standing at the urinal, where do you look?

JOHN
Well you either look down at yourself, but that can be a bit awkward, so you suddenly develop a deep fascination with the tiles in front of you.

RAY
I like to close my eyes, sometimes I even hum. It’s very relaxing.

JOHN
For you maybe. Your humming just reminds me how close you are to me while we’re both holding ourselves.

MARY
Do you ever…look?

                          JOHN                                                                                                          RAY
Never.                                                                                                            All the time.

JOHN
What? You look?

RAY
Sure, just to check things out.

MARY
What, like, their length?

RAY
I suppose, that doesn’t really bother me so much. More their manscaping.

JOHN
Sorry, just to check things out!

MARY
Why do you care about their manscaping?

RAY
Oh you know, just to keep up with the latest trends. How bushy are they? How trimmed? Do they have anything shaved into it. That kind of thing, you know, get some tips.

JOHN
How bushy! You are mad. Mary let me set this straight, a normal man doesn’t check out his fellows while he’s having a piss.

RAY
Of course they do. You do don’t you Bill?

Ray hits Bill on the arm. He manages to drag himself away from the game for a minute.

BILL
What’s that?

RAY
At the urinal, you’ll have a sneaky look across won’t you?

BILL
Oh yeah of course, you’ve got to know the latest manscaping techniques, don’t want to be to bushy.

JOHN
What is this sudden concern with bushiness!

Bill returns to the game.

RAY
See, it’s just to make sure you’re normal.

JOHN
Have you…ever looked at me?

RAY
Almost every time.

JOHN
And, am I normal? Am I too…bushy?

RAY
Only one way to find out mate, in fact all this talk has made me need to go.

Ray stands and starts to wedge his way out of the row of seats.

John stares ahead for a beat, thinking intently.

JOHN
Dammit.

John stands and follows Ray.

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