Save me Superman

EXT. METROPOLIS CITY STREET – DAY

SUPERMAN flies casually above the busy city streets. From below a chubby middle aged man with a goatee and the greasy slicked back hair of someone who uses too much product yells out to him. This man’s name is RANDALL.

RANDALL
Superman, help. Emergency.

Superman looks down to see Randall wave his arms at him. He flies down and lands next to him.

SUPERMAN
Hello citizen, what seems to be the problem?

RANDALL
I’ve only gone and locked my keys in my car haven’t I.

Randall points to the ignition of a beat up old Pontiac in which are some keys.

SUPERMAN
You’ve locked your keys in your car?

RANDALL
Yeah, so if you could just, superhero them out or whatever that’d be great.

SUPERMAN
You want me to superhero them out?

RANDALL
Yeah.

SUPERMAN
You realise I’m not roadside assistance, I’m Superman. I save the world from disaster on a weekly basis.

RANDALL
Sure, sure, but if you just pop the ol’ keys out then you can continue on with your superheroing.

SUPERMAN
Do you have any idea how far beneath me this is? I mean if this was the presidents car maybe, but for you? No way.

RANDALL
Well you could though is my point. You help people right? I need helping.

SUPERMAN
How are you not getting this? Lex Luthor is probably scheming up an idea to take over the world right now. Lois Lane is undoubtable in some kind of peril as we speak and you want me to get your keys out of your car? This is absurd.

RANDALL
Right, so you’re just wasting time now aren’t you? If you had just got my keys out of my car from the start you could be well on your way by now.

SUPERMAN
I AM SUPERMAN. I’ve saved the world from aliens. I’ve defeated countless super villains. I fight with the justice league. I’ve beaten off hordes of killer robots and stopped wars. I can jump tall buildings in a single bound, I’m faster then a locomotive, I have superhuman strength and am invulnerable to bullets, I shoot fucking lasers out of my eyes! I don’t get keys from cars.

RANDALL
I bet Batman would do it.

SUPERMAN
Right. You want to get into your car? I’ll get you into your car!

Superman hands dig into the metal around the outside of the passenger side door. With a heave he rips the door off and throws it hard, high up into the sky where it disappears from view.

SUPERMAN (CONT’D)
There you go, I’d like to see Batman do that.

Superman launches him self into the air and flies off, giving Randall the finger as he goes.

Randall watches him go, looks in the direction his door flew off to, then looks back over to the car. Randall bends down to look through the open hole in his car. He looks at the drivers side door and sees that the lock knob is up.

RANDALL
Oh, look at that, it was unlocked the whole time!

The Art of Conversation

INT. OFFICE – DAY

RACHEL (25) and SAM (28) sit in their shared cubicle. Each work at their computer.

SAM
You know how we have six senses? Well I read this thing the other day that said we actually have loads more than that.

RACHEL
Unless you can see dead people I think you mean five, but go on.

SAM
Well I was reading this thing on the internet.

RACHEL
Always credible.

SAM
And it said that we actually have closer to twenty one senses.

RACHEL
Right, Sam, where did you read this? Because if this is one of your conspiracy theory nonsense sites then I’m not going to participate in this conversation.

SAM
No it was one of those science sites, ‘Isn’t science fucking great’ or something like that.

RACHEL
Alright, so what were some of these extra senses?

SAM
Magnets.

RACHEL
What?

SAM
Magnets.

RACHEL
You can’t just say magnets Sam and expect me to know what that means. What are you saying?

SAM
We can detect magnets.

RACHEL
Why do I bother? Do you mean magnetic fields?

SAM
Yeah that’s right.

RACHEL
Right, well maybe say that next time. Just saying magnets is not helpful. So what, can we control metal like magneto?

SAM
No I just think it helps us get around really.

RACHEL
Alright, what else made the list?

SAM
Proprioception.

RACHEL
What’s that?

SAM
The sense that tells you where your body parts are.

RACHEL
So you can remember proprioception but before all you can say is magnets.

SAM
I like the way it sounds.

RACHEL
Fair enough. Alright that’s a good one, what else was there?

SAM
Hunger was one.

RACHEL
Oh yeah, that’s quite good, that makes sense.

SAM
Thirst.

RACHEL
Seems similar to hunger but I guess different mechanisms are involved. Alright you’ve got me now, this is actually quite interesting. Any others?

SAM
Not falling over.

RACHEL
Right, and you’ve lost me again. What do you mean? You can’t just say not falling over and expect me to know what that means?

SAM
Well just how we’re able to stand upright all the time.

RACHEL
It’s like talking to a chimp.

SAM
We can balance.

RACHEL
Okay so equilibrium. We have a sense that allows us to perceive our own equilibrium.

SAM
Yeah, so we don’t fall over.

Beat.

RACHEL
You make it really hard to talk to you sometimes Sam. Okay, so any others?

SAM
Hot and cold.

RACHEL
Alright I’m done. I can’t talk to you any more. Just tell me the link, I’ll look it up myself.

SAM
Alright, it was ‘fuck, science is good’ dot com.

RACHEL
That’s different from what you said before!

SAM
Oh, well I guess I can’t remember it then.

RACHEL
Great, perfect. Lovely talking to you as always Sam.

On the Nature of Giving

EXT. SUPERMARKET – DAY

SIMON (29) walks outside the front of a supermarket. Ahead, between Simon and the doorway, is a small table with three people hovering around all entering customers in order to try and collect money. Simon looks up and sees them.

SIMON
Oh shit.

Simon takes his phone from his pocket and begins to pretend to send a text. Simon approaches the table deeply engrossed in his phone. One of the money collectors, a middle aged man, targets him and quickly approaches.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Hey there mate, you doing some shopping today?

Simon doesn’t look up from his phone as he walks past.

SIMON
Yep.

The money collector isn’t perturbed and begins to walk beside him.

MONEY COLLECTOR
That’s great, so we’re collecting money for charity if you can give a donation.

SIMON
Sorry I don’t have any cash on me, just my card.

The money collector steps in front of Simon, just in front of the doorway to the supermarket.

MONEY COLLECTOR
That’s no problem, we take eftpos.

He points over to the little table where an eftpos machine sits.

Simon looks over at the table then back to the now smug looking money collector. Seeing the smug smile on the money collectors face Simon puts his phone back into his pocket, and smiles back at him.

SIMON
Actually I’m not really interested in giving to your charity.

MONEY COLLECTOR
You’re not interested in giving to charity?

SIMON
That’s right.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Even a few dollars will help, although we often encourage people to sign up for a once a month donation that can be taken straight from you bank account.

SIMON
But I just told you I don’t want to give any money to you.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Surly you can spare a few dollars?

SIMON
How do you know that? And what if I couldn’t? Would you give me some money? But that’s not the point. I don’t want to give you money, what I would like to do is go shopping.

The money collector steps aside and Simon begins to walk to the door.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Well I’m sorry me trying to do some good has bothered you. Maybe you should give it a try some time.

Simon stops and turns back to the money collector.

SIMON
See, that is exactly why I didn’t want to give you any money. You act as though I’m a such a bad guy for making that choice. How do you know if I’m a good guy or not? I could spend all my time living a good life, helping people, and just being an all around good person. But all of that is deemed irrelevant if I don’t hand over money because you happened to ask for it.

MONEY COLLECTOR
So what? You think people should only be charitable if they think they’re a bad person?

SIMON
People can be as charitable or as not charitable as they want, and that’s exactly my point. You’re not giving me the choice to be charitable you’re just saying I should, and worse you’re try to bully it out of me.

MONEY COLLECTOR
I’m just trying to collect money for a charity. I’m not bullying anyone.

SIMON
Yes you are, and you know it. You continued to pressure me to give money well past the point where I blatantly told you I didn’t want to. I think you like the challenge of trying to force people into giving money, and that just makes me not want to give it to you. If you had just asked nicely without all the games and friendly intimidation I very well might have donated.

The money collector looks abashed.

MONEY COLLECTOR
I, I guess you’re right, part of me does like the challenge. I’m sorry.

This slows Simon down, who visibly calms.

SIMON
I…I wasn’t expecting that. Look it’s alright, just don’t try and bully people in the future. Provide the opportunity to be charitable, that’s all.

MONEY COLLECTOR
Got you. So, would you like to make a donation?

Beat.

SIMON
Shit, I have to now don’t I?

Pretty Woman

EXT. CAFE – DAY

Two guys sit out the front of a cafe on a beautiful sunny day. They are STEVE (28, gangly) and RICK (31, chubby) each have a coffee in front of them. Nearby a young homeless woman begs on the street.

STEVE
Is it bad if I say that homeless woman’s not to bad?

RICK
What? You mean she doesn’t look too homeless?

STEVE
No, not that, look at her she’s filthy. No I mean under the filth I think she’s pretty cute.

RICK
You think the homeless woman’s cute?

STEVE
Yeah.

RICK
You’re getting desperate mate.

STEVE
Do you think it’d be wrong if I gave her some money?

RICK
Well that depends, if that was a dirty old man would you give him some money?

STEVE
Not a chance.

RICK
Then yes, it’s very bad.

STEVE
But why? I’m being charitable.

RICK
No you’re not, you’re hoping that if you give that dirty tramp some money she might take a fancy to you.

STEVE
Do you think she would?

RICK
No!

STEVE
Maybe she would pretend to though, in order for me to give her more money. I wouldn’t know the difference.

RICK
Okay Steve, let me explain what you’re now suggesting. A transaction between the two of you where you swap money for love. They have a name for that and it’s prostitution.

STEVE
Oh come on, she wouldn’t have to sleep with me, well at least not straight away.

RICK
I do not understand you. How do you see this playing out?

STEVE
Well I’d generously give her some money.

RICK
It’s not generous when you’ve got an ulterior motive but go on.

STEVE
She’ll be grateful, I’ll be modest, then we’ll get chatting. Like a valiant knight I’ll offer her to clean up at my place if she wants.

RICK
Pathetic, continue.

STEVE
She’ll scrub up, we get her a hair cut, some new clothes, I introduce her to high society, and then we go at it like rabbits.

RICK
You really have reached a new low haven’t you? You give a whole new meaning to the term desperate.

STEVE
I think I’m going to go give her some money.

RICK
Oh please don’t.

STEVE
I am.

Steve gets up and approaches the woman. He says something to her as he hands her a coin. Steve blocks the view of her response but he quickly returns.

RICK
So how did it go? Will you be getting married soon?

STEVE
She spat on me.

RICK
Of course she did, well I suppose it’s more than any other woman’s given you recently.

STEVE
I agree, that’s why I’m going to go give her some more money.

RICK
Steve, don’t.

STEVE
Wish me luck.

Steve happily walks back over to the homeless woman.

RICK
I need to get some new friends.