Bringing Boring Back

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

SOPHIE (35) sits in bed and reads a trashy woman’s magazine. The cover is littered with titles like ‘10 Top Sex Tips – How You’re Doing It Wrong’. Her husband, TOM (34), sits at the end of the bed and cuts his toenails into the bin.

SOPHIE
Tom.

TOM
Hold on Honey I’m really on a roll here.

SOPHIE
Tom, our sex life is to boring.

TOM
What are you talking about? No it’s not.

Tom continues to cut his toenails.

SOPHIE
Not according to this magazine. We haven’t done any of the things on this list.

TOM
So?

SOPHIE
Tom, please, this is important to me.

Tom stands and puts the nail clippers away.

TOM
Alright, alright.

He lies down next to her.

TOM (CONT’D)
What do you want me to do?

SOPHIE
Well, maybe you could do a little hair pulling.

Tom reaches out and yanks on a chunk of Sophie’s hair.

SOPHIE (CONT’D)
Ow! Not now, when we’re in the throes of passion.

TOM
Oh, sorry Baby, I’m not good at this stuff.

SOPHIE
Let’s try something else. I know.

Sophie positions herself over Tom and looks down at him seductively.

SOPHIE (CONT’D)
I’ve been a bad girl, I need to be punished.

TOM
That’s alright, none of us are perfect. Is this about you lying on your taxes? I think everybody does that. Don’t worry about it.

SOPHIE
TOM!

TOM
Sorry, sorry. I’ll try again. Let me try again. Okay.
(beat)
You’re a bad girl aren’t you? You’re terrible. Lying on your taxes, you disgust me! We pay taxes for a reason you filthy bitch.

SOPHIE
Tom, that’s not how you’re meant to do it.

Sophie climbs off Tom and lies beside him. He sits up over her.

TOM
I’m sorry baby, let’s try another one. I’ll do better at the next one.

SOPHIE
Okay, how about you rip off my clothes.

TOM
Really? I rip them.

SOPHIE
Yeah, just tear them off me.

Tom grabs Sophie’s nightie in his hands and pulls on it. Nothing happens. He repositions his hands and tries again. Nothing.

TOM
Wow this nightie is really well made.

SOPHIE
(exasperated)
Here let me try.

She reaches out for Tom’s T-shirt, Tom pulls away.

TOM
Wait, this is one of my favourite T-shirts. Let me just put another one on.

Tom hops up and goes to the dresser. He returns wearing an oversized, stained, white T-shirt with the words ‘2012 Fun Run’ printed on it.

TOM (CONT’D)
Alright go ahead.

Sophie rolls her eyes but reaches up to tear the T-shirt. She too strains against the fabric and is unable to rip it.

TOM (CONT’D)
It’s hard right.

SOPHIE
Just take it off.

Tom does so.

SOPHIE (CONT’D)
Try chocking me.

TOM
Are you joking?

SOPHIE
No. Just do it lightly, in a fun way.

TOM
There’s a fun way to choke people?

SOPHIE
Tom, you said you would try.

TOM
(worriedly)
Alright.

Tom slowly reaches his hands down to Sophie’s throat and places them over it. She begins to pretend to playfully resist.

SOPHIE
Oh no, you’re so strong. I hope you don’t have your way with me.

Tom’s face is decidedly uncomfortable.

SOPHIE (CONT’D)
Oh please don’t rape me.

Tom quickly pulls his hands back.

TOM
Okay, I can’t do this.

Sophie crosses her arms.

SOPHIE
Forget it.

TOM
I don’t understand Soph, do you not like our normal way? Am I not satisfying you?

SOPHIE
No, it’s not that.

TOM
Then what is it? I don’t get why you think we need to do all this crazy crap. I like our normal and boring way of doing things.

SOPHIE
So do I, it’s just that the magazine said that couples need to spice things up with this stuff.

TOM
Baby, that stuff is only for desperate people who don’t know how to do it right in the first place. That’s not us, we’re the masters of normal, we’ve got all the spice we need.

Sophie smiles at Tom.

SOPHIE
We are pretty good.

TOM
Damn right we are.

Sophie holds up the covers.

SOPHIE
Alright, come and give me some of the normal.

Tom climbs in next to her.

TOM
I’m going to give it to you so boring.

Sophie giggles as Tom turns out the light.

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