Call Me Idiot

INT. LOUNGE ROOM/KITCHEN/BATHROOM – EVENING

ADAM (28) sits on a couch, his roommate ISAAC (27) sits on the floor, each has a plate in their lap. They watch TV, a bucket of KFC sits in front of them on the coffee table. A nearby window is open to let in a summer breeze.

ADAM
(referring to television)
No don’t flip that steak, flip the other one! Oh, you’re not going to win with that crap.

ISAAC
Since when are you a masterchef?

ADAM
Well I’m not, but it’s not going to stop me from judging these people. That’s what reality TV’s all about.

Adam lifts a leg of chicken off his plate. As he brings it to his mouth a white cat jumps through the window, pounces on to the couch and snatches the chicken leg from his hand. The cat sprints into the adjoining kitchen. Adam jumps to his feet in anger.

ADAM (CONT’D)
Dammit! That fucking cat, every time.

ISAAC
Is Mister Diddums back? Aww, he’s a sweetheart.

ADAM
Sweetheart! He’s a malicious demon.

Adam looks down to the coffee table and snatches his fork off it.

ADAM (CONT’D)
I’m going to kill it.

ISAAC
With a fork? You’re plan is to kill a cat with a fork?

ADAM
Yes.

ISAAC
Adam you’re going crazy, just leave him be, he’s just hungry.

ADAM
It took my leg Isaac!

ISAAC
So what, we have plenty more chicken. We literally have a bucket of it.

ADAM
That’s not the point, I want my revenge!

ISAAC
You are insane. Seriously, who has a rivalry with an animal! Adam, listen to me, you can’t kill the neighbors cat.

ADAM
I guess not. But I can soak it, it’ll hate that. I’m going to go fill up the bath, you stay here, don’t let it get away.

Adam rushes off down a hallway. Issac watches him go.

ISAAC
(to himself)
Ignorance is the parent of fear.

Adam rushes back in.

ADAM
Did you say something?

ISAAC
I said you’re an idiot.

ADAM
Are you going to help me or not?

Isaac sighs, but stands.

ISAAC
Why do I always let your feuds become mine? You should call me idiot.

Adam leads Isaac into the kitchen.

INT. KITCHEN

Adam slowly creeps into the kitchen, fork still in hand, he looks quickly around the room.

ADAM
(singsong voice)
Oh Mister Diddums.

Adam spots the cat looking up at them from under a chair, chicken leg still in its mouth.

ADAM (CONT’D)
There you are.

Adam leaps towards the cat. Mister Diddums races back into the lounge room. Adam quickly follows.

INT. LOUNGE ROOM

Adam chases the cat into the lounge room, Isaac follows.

ADAM
Don’t let it get back into the kitchen.

Isaac stands in the kitchen doorway as Adam shepherds the cat from one side of the room to the other towards the hallway. Finally Mister Diddums sprints down the hallway towards the bathroom.

ADAM (CONT’D)
Ha ha, now I’ve got you Mister Diddums.

ISAAC
Dude, you can’t sound threatening if you use the words Mister Diddums.

Adam races down the hallway laughing madly.

INT. BATHROOM.

Adam races into the bathroom, Isaac enters behind him. Mister Diddums stands on the edge of the bath, chicken leg still in its mouth, he looks up at them fearfully. Adam approaches with his arms wide. ADAM Finally, I get my revenge. On his final word Adam swings his arm forward, his fork harpoons towards the cat. The fork stabs into the chicken leg and rips it free from the cats mouth. The momentum pushes Adam over the bath towards the wall. Mister Diddums runs out of the room as Adam overbalances and falls into the bath.

Isaac watches the cat go then looks back at Adam who looks up at him from the bathtub.

ISAAC
(sarcastic)
I will tell your story.

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