The Dangers of Working Out

INT. LOUNGE ROOM – DAY

DECLAN (28) sits slouched down in the sofa with his legs stretched out onto the coffee table. He plays playstation and has a bag of donuts placed on his stomach that he periodically eats from. His girlfriend SALLY (26) enters wearing running gear and sees him happily stuffing his face.

SALLY
Declan, it’s ten in the morning, why are you eating donuts? Where did you even get them from?

DECLAN
You can get them delivered now, at any time, isn’t that great? Nothing gives you a buzz in the morning quite like a bag of donuts.

SALLY
Well that would be the sugar. You know what else gives you a buzz in the morning? Going for a run. I think you should go with me.

DECLAN
Baby, no. You know my feelings about exercise.

SALLY
I know you’re to lazy to do it. Come on, trust me it’ll be fun.

DECLAN
More fun than eating a bag of donuts?

Beat.

SALLY
Okay probably not. But that doesn’t matter, I didn’t want to say anything but you’re starting to get a bit of a gut.

DECLAN
What? How could you say that? I thought you loved my body?

Declan continues to eat from the bag of donuts.

SALLY
Okay if you’re going to be indignant about this you should at least stop eating the donuts. Why do you hate exercise so much anyway?

DECLAN
I’m sorry if I’m not willing to sacrifice my manhood. Maybe other guys are happy to do it but not me.

SALLY
What, you think having a belly makes you more manly?

DECLAN
No, you know, my, my business.

Sally looks at his confused. She spreads her arms to indicate such. Declan sighs.

DECLAN (CONT’D)
You’re going to make me say it? Alright I’ll say it. I don’t want my penis to get smaller.

SALLY
What? Exercise does not make you penis smaller!

DECLAN
Yes it does, you lose the, the fat in it. It’s science. If I exercise to much it’ll shrivel up.

SALLY
That’s ridiculous. It’s so wrong that I don’t even know what to say.

DECLAN
Well I have a penis, so I think I would know. How many penises do you have?

SALLY
You know I have zero penises.

DECLAN
That’s right, so clearly I know better. I’m doing this for you too you know.

Declan eats another donut.

SALLY
I think you’re thinking of steroids. Steroids shrivel your penis.

DECLAN
All I know is guys who have muscles lose weight in the genital area.

Sally grabs Declan’s arm and stars to pull his off the couch.

SALLY
This is stupid, come on, you’re going for a run.

Sally manages to pull Declan to his feet, his bag of donuts falls to the floor.

DECLAN
My bag of donuts!

SALLY
Go put some runners on.

Declan starts to walk towards the bedroom.

DECLAN
You’ll see, I don’t want you to, but you’ll see. Don’t come complaining to me when I can’t pleasure you any more.

SALLY
An idiot. I’m dating an idiot.

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