Circus Clowns

EXT. CIRCUS TENT – NIGHT

DANA (33) leads a blindfolded NEIL (34) towards a large classic red and white striped circus tent. JACK (34) follows along behind them.

NEIL
This is so exciting! The last time you blind folded me like this Dana, it lead to Abby’s conception.

JACK
Oh c’mon!

NEIL
Oh, sorry Jack, I forgot you were still there. Why are you here?

JACK
For emotional support.

NEIL
What?

DANA
Okay, I’m going to take the blindfold off now. Try not to freak out alright?

NEIL
Why would I-

Dana takes the blind fold off. Neil looks up at the tent in fear.

NEIL (CONT’D)
AUGHHHHH!

JACK He’s freaking out.

NEIL
AUGHHHHHH!

DANA
Neil, baby, it’s alright, it’s alright.

NEIL
THE CIRCUS! Why would you take me to the circus? Oh my God, this is where those evil creatures are spawned. This is where they live!

JACK
He’s talking about clowns right?

NEIL
AUGHHHHHHH!

DANA
Great support, Jack. Neil, Neil, look at me. Breath okay? In, out, in, out.

Neil does what Dana says. He relaxes slightly.

DANA (CONT’D)
Okay. Yes we are at the circus, and yes we are going to look at-

Neil tenses.

DANA (CONT’D)
The…c-words.

JACK
You realise there’s already another word that carries that euphemism.

DANA
Fine, well I suppose this is part of it anyway. Neil, we’re here to looks at clowns.

NEIL
AUGHHHHHH!

DANA
Look, sweetheart. I know you have this crazy fear of them, and that’s fine, but our daughters favourite cartoon is about a family of clowns.

NEIL
AUGHHH-

DANA
Stop it. It’s alienating you from her. Every time she watches her show and you scream or faint around her like this she thinks she’s done something wrong.

JACK
Also, it’s really embarrassing for you. I can’t believe how high pitched your scream is.

Neil looks up at the tent, fear still evident on his face.

NEIL
I- I don’t know if I can. I want to, but I, I don’t know.

JACK
Hey, Neil, look at me. I know you’re scared, alright? I know how hard this is for you, but this isn’t about you. This is about Abby. That beautiful girl you spawned on my sister.

DANA
Spawned?

JACK
You’re doing this for her you hear me? Because yes, today she’s only watching a cartoon about clowns, but what if tomorrow she wants to start dressing up as one? Will you just stop being her father if that happens? Huh? Will you just ignore her?

FLASHBACK

A black and white Young Neil (7) dressed up as a jockey walks up to his father who’s sitting in a lounge chair reading the paper.

YOUNG NEIL
Look Daddy, I’m a jockey!

NEIL’S DAD
Why don’t you turn into a bottle of whiskey, maybe then I’d be interested in playing with you.

EXT. CIRCUS TENT – CONTINUOUS

JACK
Wow, you’re Dad really was a c-word.

NEIL
Alright! I’m doing this! This is for you Abby!

Neil turns and storms into the circus tent. A moment later he rushes out.

NEIL (CONT’D)
No, no, no, no, no.

DANA
What happened?

NEIL
One looked at me. I could feel it’s evil.

DANA
What about Abby?

NEIL
I know. Jack?

JACK
Yes?

NEIL
You’re going to have to drag me in. Whatever happens, get me in there. I will fight you.

JACK
It’s alright buddy, I’m here for you.

NEIL
LET’S GO!

Jack bodily lifts a thrashing Neil up and drags him into the tent.

NEIL (CONT’D)
AUGHHHHHHHHH!

Dana shakes her head and follows them in.

Advertisements

New Haircut

INT. OFFICE BUILDING, DESK CLUMP – MORNING

JOHN (27, the friend you have who always makes you laugh) walks over to his chair, puts his bag down, and sits at his desk. MARY (25, your alternative friend who always gives home made gifts) looks up at John and squeals. He rolls his eyes as she rushes over to him.

JOHN
Alright, let’s get this over with.

MARY
I love your new haircut.

JOHN
And…

MARY
And nothing.

JOHN
Really? From you? I thought your favourite pastime was teasing me?

MARY
No, really, I honestly like it. Can I touch it?

JOHN
Yes, but I should warn you, it’s going to feel like hair.

Mary reaches out and touches John’s hair.

MARY
Wow, you were right. It’s so soft, I think you have nicer hair than me.

CARL (27, the friend you had as a kid who always denied you shot him when playing cops and robbers, and never really out grew that) enters and puts his bag and jacket down at his desk.

CARL
(mockingly)
Oh, nice haircut.

JOHN
Thanks Carl.

CARL
I wasn’t being serious, it’s terrible. You look like a gay lesbian.

JOHN
As opposed to a straight one?

CARL
(thinks)
Yes.

JOHN
Great. That’s the look I was going for.

CARL
You want to look like a lesbian?

JOHN
Yeah, I told the hairdresser I wanted the Ellen.

Mary laughs, Carl takes offense.

CARL
Whatever. You’re such a try hard hipster. Why don’t you get a real man’s haircut. Look at me, short back and sides. It’s what the have in the army.

Carl gives various poses to show off his head. He looks to Mary to gage how impressed she is. She’s holds back laughter.

JOHN
The army, well that is impressive. But are you sure it’s as short as theirs? It’s looking a little long to me.

CARL
(shocked)
What? No it’s not, I see my barber every two weeks.

MARY
I don’t know, I think John may be right. If it gets any longer you two could look like twins.

CARL
What? No!

Carl looks in blank monitor in an effort to see his reflection.

JOHN
Carl, it’s alright, if you want I can give you a haircut right now.

John grabs the scissors from his desk and swings them round on his finger.

CARL Yeah, like I’m going to trust you. John looks across at Mary for support.

MARY
No, Carl, you should let him. He’s even cut my hair before, he’s really good.

CARL
Yeah, not surprising, gay.

JOHN
Oh, so you don’t want a haircut?

John goes to put his scissors away.

CARL
No, no, I do!

John stares at him for a beat.

CARL (CONT’D)
Please.

JOHN
There it is. Alright, come with me.

John wheels his chair into the men’s room. Carl follows him in.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING, DESK CLUMP – LATER

Carl leaves the men’s room, his hair is a hacked away mess. He walks into the office. John exits the men’s room and leans against the door frame.

MARY
Oh wow, Carl, you look so good!

Mary starts an applause, others in the office half heartedly join in. Carl circles back around and struts over to John.

CARL
See, that’s what a real man’s haircut looks like.

JOHN
(smiling)
You showed me.

The Stalker’s Stalker

EXT. STREET – DAY

A young man, BRAD (22), walks down a busy city street, past shop and fast food fronts. On the other side of the road creeps VANESSA (22). She has her eyes fixed on Brad and hides behind various items as she follows him, very stalker-esx.

CAMERON
Hey Ness.

Cameron (23) wearing an orange T-shirt and shorts stands behind Vanessa. He eats an ice cream cone.

VANESSA
Dammit Cameron! You scared the crap out of me.

CAMERON
Oh, sorry. Why are you stalking Brad?

VANESSA
What? I’m not, that’s not what I’m doing! Shut up.

CAMERON
Are you sure? Because that’s what it looks like.

VANESSA
Yes. I’m not stalking him, I’m just…watching him…while following him.

CAMERON
You realise that’s what stalkers do right?

VANESSA
Alright, fine. I am stalking him. He’s up to something.

CAMERON
What?

VANESSA
I don’t know, but he was acting very suspicious, and he lied about where he was going.

CAMERON
Okay cool. Can I stalk him with you too?

VANESSA
What? No. Go away.

CAMERON
Oh come on, I’ve got nothing to do.

VANESSA
No.

CAMERON
Why not?

VANESSA
Well you’re wearing a bright orange T-shirt for one.

CAMERON
It’s tangerine. I call it spicy tangerine. Plus I think I’ll be helpful.

VANESSA
Why?

CAMERON
It just seems to have a spicyness about it.

VANESSA
No, not the T-shirt. Why will you be helpful?

CAMERON
Well I’m pretty good at stalking.

VANESSA
I doubt that.

CAMERON
Well I was watching you watch Brad without you knowing. I stalked the stalker as it were. I guess that makes me like Brad’s grandstalker.

VANESSA
I swear I only understand about half of what you say.

CAMERON
Plus, what if we need to split up, or he goes into the men’s room or something? It’ll be handy to have a second set of eyes on the job.

VANESSA
Fine, just don’t distract me.

CAMERON
Okay. Hey, do you want some ice-cream?

Cameron offers out his ice cream cone, which has started to melt onto his hand. Vanessa looks at it in disgust.

VANESSA
Oh God, I regret this already.

CAMERON
He’s going around the corner!

Over the other side of the street Brad disappears around a corner. Vanessa and Cameron quickly run across the street after him, Cameron trying to eat the ice cream as he goes.

Wake Up!

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING

As the sun streams through the wide windows we pan over the predominately white room to the large king size bed. In the bed, sitting up, is ADAM (31, congenial, introverted). He watches his girlfriend ANNE (29, intelligent, bad-tempered) who sleeps. As he watches her, her brow furrows. Adam looks worried as he watches her.

After a beat he rolls over, looks at the ceiling, and thinks. Something crosses his mind, and, as he mulls it over, he smiles. Adam sits up excitedly and shakes Anne awake.

ADAM
Honey, honey, wake up. I have to tell you something.

ANNE
What? God Adam, what do you want?

ADAM
I don’t love you anymore!

ANNE
What?

ADAM
I don’t love you. I just realised. Isn’t that great?

ANNE
What the fuck are you talking about?

ADAM
Well I was watching you sleep and you were making that angry face you always make, and I was thinking how much it annoyed me that you could be so angry even in your sleep, and that got me thinking about how we really haven’t been happy for a couple of years now, and then it hit me! I don’t love you anymore.

Anne sits up angrily.

ANNE
You don’t love me! Fuck you! I don’t love you.

ADAM
I know!

ANNE
Has your stupid brain finally popped? Why are you so fucking happy?

ADAM
Because now we don’t have to be together anymore. For years I’ve been doing everything I can think of to make you happy, or distract myself from my own unhappiness. But I was never going to make you happy, or find my own happiness, because I don’t love you and you don’t love me! In fact I think you might even hate me a little bit. Or maybe you hate yourself? I don’t know. Either way it’s not my problem anymore!

ANNE
You prick. You arse hole! Who the fuck do you think you are?

ADAM
Your ex boyfriend I guess. Oh man, even just saying that makes me happy! It just seems so obvious now. Isn’t this great?

ANNE
Great! You think I’m supposed to be happy about this?

ADAM
You? No way. You don’t even get happy about good things. You’re impossible to make happy, that’s what makes it so great, I don’t have to put up with that anymore!

Anne sits in shock for a beat. Adam smiles.

ADAM (CONT’D)
You should probably go now.

ANNE
What? Right now?

ADAM
Yeah.

ANNE
But, but this is my house too.

ADAM
No it’s not, remember? When I asked you if you wanted to co-sign the lease you told me to just deal with it and then went on a rant about how you have to do everything. Oh man, I don’t have to hear them anymore.

ANNE
You can’t do this!

ADAM
That’s what I thought, but yeah, I can! It’s my life and I can do whatever I want, and have whoever I want in it. And I don’t want you in my life anymore, not even for one more minute.

Adam stands and takes the covers off Anne.

ADAM (CONT’D)
Off you go then.

Adam shepherds Anne out of the room.

ANNE
But…but…

Adam gets her out the bedroom door.

ADAM
I’ll send your stuff to you parents house. Bye, forever!

Adam giggles giddily then closes the door in Anne’s face.

Clean House

INT. HALLWAY/ KITCHEN – DAY

EVE (25) unlocks the front door and walks into the hallway.

EVE
Jake? You here?

She hears some noise coming from the kitchen and walks towards it.

EVE (CONT’D)
Hey mate, just wanted to see how you were going…

Eve’s words trail off as she enters the kitchen to see JAKE (26) under the sink. Around him are piles of kitchen ware, all emptied from the various cupboard and shelves.

EVE (CONT’D)
What’s going on here? Are you moving?

JAKE
No, just cleaning. Everything in this house is so dirty.

EVE
O-kay. Well I just came round to see how you were doing. Are you alright?

JAKE
Yeah, of course. I mean other than living in this constant filth.

EVE
Right, okay. Well what did your doctor have to say? Any news?

JAKE
I don’t know.

EVE
You don’t know? Why don’t you know? Didn’t you have an appointment yesterday?

JAKE
Oh I didn’t go to that.

EVE
What? Jake, why didn’t you go?

JAKE
I already told you, look at this house, it’s filthy! I cleaned it yesterday and it’s already filthy today!

Eve looks worried.

EVE
Okay, well, Jake, do you want to come out from under the sink?

JAKE
I can’t, it’s really dirty back here, I have to clean it.

EVE
Please can you just come out for a second, I’m trying to talk to you.

Jake crawls out from under the sink.

JAKE
What?

EVE
Are you sure everything’s okay?

JAKE
(agitated)
Yes, I told you, I’m just trying to clean. I’m just sick of this house always being dirty.

EVE
It looks pretty clean to me.

JAKE
No, you don’t get it! I clean and I clean but then it always gets dirty again. I have to keep cleaning, I can’t let it get dirty.

EVE
But that’s what houses do, they get dirty.

JAKE
WELL I DON’T WANT IT TO GET DIRTY.

Beat. Jake has tears in his eyes.

EVE
(softly)
Jake, no matter what you do this house will always get dirty. It’s inevitable. It happens to all of us, and no matter what any of us do our homes will never stay clean forever.

JAKE
But my house is still new. It shouldn’t be this dirty.

EVE
I know, and that sucks, big time. But you can’t just clean all day. What kind of living is that? If anything, a dirty house is just proof that you’re still living.

Jake thinks.

JAKE
I just don’t know what to do.

EVE
Well I do. We’re going to go visit your doctor real quick and then go make a mess somewhere. How does that sound?

Jake smiles.

JAKE
It sounds good.

Jake looks around.

JAKE (CONT’D)
What about all this?

EVE
Leave it. I think you’ve cleaned enough for one day.

Treasure Hunt

EXT. STREET – DAY

BEN (31, nice guy, nerdy, nervous) and ERIC (29, enthusiastic, earnest, empty-headed) walk along a city sidewalk. Ben carries a piece of paper, Eric looks at it over his shoulder.

BEN
So if I’ve deciphered this correctly the next clue should be somewhere on Hutchins Street.

ERIC
This is so cool! What do you think the treasure will be? Oh my God, what if it’s literally a chest full of treasure!

BEN
I don’t think Kate has got me a treasure chest for my birthday. I’m also pretty sure if she did have a chest full of treasure she wouldn’t be working in HR.

ERIC
Hmm, neither would I. I am so over work at the moment.

BEN
It’s not going well?

ERIC
It’s not that it’s not going well, it’s just that I get this weird feeling whenever I go in there. Like I want to cry and fall asleep at the same time.

BEN
Eric, you just described depression. Your work is making you depressed?

ERIC
I guess. I don’t know. The idea of doing it every day forever sometimes makes me want to throw up. Once I actually did, but I had eaten two burritos for breakfast so it’s hard to know what the cause was.

BEN
Dude, that sucks. Oh hold on, we’re here.

Ben points up at a street sign that says ‘Hutchins Street’. It is a small, cobble stoned, lane way. The walls have a lot of graffiti on them and there is a lamppost next to one wall and a skip bin against the other.

ERIC
Alright, lets find this clue. I call the bin!

Eric runs up and throws himself head first into the skip bin. He comes back up covered in filth.

ERIC (CONT’D)
Oh gross. Do you think the clue is in this Indian food?

BEN
I doubt it. No, if I know Kate, she’s hidden it somewhere in plain sight.

Eric continues to rummage around in the bin. Ben looks carefully around. He studies some of the graffiti. His face lights up.

BEN (CONT’D)
Ah ha! Eric, come look at this.

Eric climbs out of the bin.

ERIC
I found six egg cartons. That’s got to mean something right?

BEN
No, you’re just holding trash.

ERIC
Oh.

BEN
But look at this. See this graffiti here, it’s signed by Lady Katington. Kate always said that would be her rapper name!

ERIC
What’s it say? ‘Get on up. Lady Katington’. What’s it mean?

BEN
I don’t know. Perhaps it’s referencing James Brown? But I don’t know where that would lead us. Or perhaps it means the pixar movie Up?

Eric looks up. Tied to the top of the lamppost is a balloon with a note attached.

ERIC
Do you think that has something to do with it?

Eric points at the balloon, Ben looks up.

BEN
Eric, you are a genius. Now we’ve just got to climb up there.

Ben walks over to the lamp post and touches it. His hand comes away slimy.

BEN (CONT’D)
Oh my God! She’s greased the pole. That evil minx.

ERIC
Don’t worry buddy I got this.

Eric throws himself at the pole. He clutches onto it with the egg cartons still in his hands, using them for grip. With a few quick motions he hurls himself up the pole, snatches the balloon, and slides down. Eric lands, covered in grease, and cheerfully hands the balloon and note to Ben.

ERIC (CONT’D)
You know I had a feeling I was going to get covered in grease today.

BEN
That’s…weird. But, Eric, that was incredible!

ERIC
Yeah, I’ve always been a good climber. Dad used to joke Mum must have cheated on him with a monkey. Of course that became less funny when she actually did start cheating on him. If only there was some way I could make money by climbing.

Ben’s face lights up with an idea.

ERIC (CONT’D)
Anyway, where does the clue say we should go next? Please let it be a pet shop. No, ice cream shop!

Ben reads the note.

BEN
It’s the cemetery.

ERIC
Oh.

BEN
But I want to make a little stop first.

ERIC
For ice cream?

BEN
You’ll see.

ERIC
This is the best day ever.

Minty Fresh

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

MICHELLE (25, uppity, hair in a tight bun) holds a toothpaste tube up to her room mate’s, WALTER (27, thoughtless, long surfer hair), face. He checks himself out in the mirror as she does so.

MICHELLE
The toothpaste will dry out! I am sick of telling you this. Really, how hard is it to put the cap back on? It’s right there!

Walter ignores, reaches into his pocket, pulls out something, and puts it in his mouth.

MICHELLE (CONT’D)
What was that? Are you eating something? Don’t eat while I’m yelling at you!

WALTER
It was just a mint.

MICHELLE
Well then don’t eat a mint while I’m yelling at you! Why are you eating a mint anyway?

WALTER
Because I couldn’t be bothered to brush my teeth.

MICHELLE
So instead you eat a mint?

WALTER
Yeah.

MICHELLE
This is exactly what I’m talking about!

WALTER
Mints?

MICHELLE
No you idiot. You always taking the easiest way out while never thinking of the consequences!

WALTER
Consequences?

MICHELLE
Yes! Think. You have bad breath because of all the bacteria in your mouth right? By eating a mint, which is mostly sugar, you give the bacteria more energy to multiply, which leads to you having worse breath! At best it’ll only give you fresh breath for like twenty minutes.

WALTER
Then I’ll just have another mint.

Michelle stares at him in shock for a beat.

MICHELLE
I can’t tell if you’re lazy, stupid, or both.

WALTER
Just chill out. Who cares if I have to eat mints all day, or if the toothpaste dries out a bit?

MICHELLE
Wait a minute, so you didn’t even brush your teeth?

WALTER
No.

MICHELLE
Yet you still took off, then failed to replace, the cap!

WALTER
I guess.

MICHELLE
You are unbelievable.

WALTER
I know, right?