If You…

INT. SCOTT’S BEDROOM – DAY

SCOTT (27, the kind of guy that gets angry at his feet when he forgets to put shoes on) sits on his bed and plays with his phone. The door to his bedroom bursts open and in walks his roommates VICCI (28, the kind of girl who thinks she funny but isn’t, she just gets laughs because she’s hot…and kind of a bitch) and JAMES (27, laughs at Vicci’s jokes).

VICCI
You think you’re real funny don’t you?

SCOTT
Yes, but why are you yelling at me?

VICCI
WHY? I’LL TELL YOU WHY!

JAMES
Vicci, I’ll handle this.

VICCI
Fine. But I want him out! OUT!

James approaches Scott, while Vicci stalks back and forth behind him.

JAMES
Scott, we’ve been friends for a long time.

SCOTT
Since I vomited on you back in forth grade.

JAMES
Yes. And it’s been very, interesting, having you living with us these last few months.

VICCI
Oh you’re pathetic, James! Your twitter account idiot. You think we’re stupid?

SCOTT
You guys follow me on twitter? That’s awesome. Wait, which one?

JAMES
Your ‘If you…’ one.

SCOTT
Sure, sure, got a lot of followers on that one. People seem to really relate to it.

JAMES
Yes, well, we have a problem with it.

SCOTT
What? Why?

JAMES
It’s some of your posts. They ring a little too true.

SCOTT
What do you mean?

James pulls out his phone.

JAMES
Well, like this one ‘If you won’t let your boyfriend call you beautiful without insisting that you’re not, I hate you’. Or this one ‘If you try to use me to convince your boyfriend to have a baby with you when you can’t even look after a cat, I hate you’. Or ‘If you refuse my offer of help with housework then whisper under your breath that you have to do everything around here, I hate you.’

SCOTT
Wow, you read those really well. Keep going!

JAMES
If you- wait, no! This is not cool Scott.

SCOTT
Well I paid you a compliment so…

JAMES
THEY’RE ALL ABOUT US!

SCOTT
What? Nooo.

VICCI
One of them says ‘If your name is Vicci I hate you’!

SCOTT
Okay, maybe a couple of them are loosely based on you guys.

VICCI
James, I want him out of here. I want him out of here right now.

Vicci storms out, Scott calls out to her.

SCOTT
Vicci, come on. This is just two roomies joking around together. In a way it shows how close we’ve become.

Vicci and James’ bedroom door slams.

SCOTT (CONT’D)
Dude, seriously, I hate her. What’s it like to kiss her? Are her lips just really hard? I imagine they’re really hard.

JAMES
Scott, come on man, what are you doing to me? I’m trying to help you out here and you’re making it really difficult. Vicci seriously wants you out, and honestly I don’t blame her.

SCOTT
Okay, okay, you’re right, I crossed a line.

JAMES
Yes, you did.

SCOTT
I shouldn’t have told the internet that Vicci leaves pubes all over the shower.

JAMES
You what?

SCOTT
Oh you haven’t read that one? Never mind. Look I’m going to make it up to you guys, show you what an awesome roommate I can be. How about I take you and Vicci out for dinner, I’ll pay for everything. We can even go to that obnoxious fancy French restaurant she likes.

JAMES
Really? Because I think that would really help.

SCOTT
Of course.

JAMES
Cool, I’ll go tell Vicci.

SCOTT
Great, I’m sure by the end of the night Vicci and I will be best friends.

James excitedly trots out of the room.

SCOTT (CONT’D)
Or hate each other even more, who knows.

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