Hard Advice


It’s autumn, it’s overcast, and the trees have shed half their leaves. Not quite barren, not quite full of life, in the case of this park the glass is half empty.

JOEY, 37, dour, un-shaved and un-kempt sits at a picnic table and smokes a cigarette. We cannot see who sits across from him.

You want to know what I think? Alright, I’ll tell you what I think, but it’s not going to be that everything’s going to be all hunky dory because it ain’t. To answer you’re question, yes, I do believe it is possible to love two women at once, yes, I have been in this messed up, drive you up the wall, type situation before, and yes, it does suck harder than a Columbian prostitute. But let me tell you something buddy boy it never ends well. Your unfortunate enough to be part of the human race, a species whose mating system consists of one type and one type only. That’s monogamy. If you were an elephant seal you wouldn’t be having this headache, but you ain’t, so you’re up the creek if you know what I mean, and it’s flowing hard. Now here comes my tough love, you gotta ditch one of ‘em. Yes, yes, I know, you love them both equally, and you love them for different reasons that makes them impossible to compare. Too frickin’ bad. Because here’s the truth of it, you keep going down this path all you’re going to end up with is a lot of pain and three broken hearts so it’s time to grow a pair and make a decision. Now I could tell you that once the decision is made you’ll live happily ever after with the girl of your choice. But you asked me to tell you what I think and for me that means telling you the truth, and by damn that’s what I’m going to do. You will always wonder if you made the right decision. It may very well haunt you to the end of your days, but that’s all part of being a human, and by gum it’s sure part of being in love. So, it’s time. Time to put on your man pants and make a decision. Who’s it going to be?

REVEAL PATRICK, Joey’s nephew, the cutest little seven year old boy you’ve ever seen.

But Sara let’s me drink her juice, and Molly is my best friend. It’s too hard Uncle Joey!

Hey! What did I just say?

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