Fiona and the Choco-choc-chocolate balls™

INT. FIONA’S LOUNGE ROOM – EVENING

FIONA, red-haired, bookish, lays on her couch under a colourful blanket, a big bag of Choco-choc-chocolate balls™ sits on her lap, the TV plays in front of her. Fiona puts a chocolate ball in her mouth.

NARRATOR
Fiona’s in autopilot as her hand dips once more into the oversized bag of chocolates in her lap. She crams one of the chocolate balls into a face that seems completely glazed over.

FIONA
Hey! It’s not glazed over, and I’m not in autopilot! I know exactly how many Choco-choc-chocolate balls™ I’ve eaten.

She looks into the bag.

FIONA (CONT’D)
Wow! Is there really only four left?

NARRATOR
Fiona asked in surprise.

FIONA
It wasn’t surprise, it was … elation, at the sense of accomplishment.

NARRATOR
But Fiona wasn’t elated. She was disgusted by herself, at how many chocolate balls she had eaten. She was also nauseous, also a product of the amount of chocolate balls she had eaten.

FIONA
Hey I may be nauseous, but I’m not disgusted by myself! I’m proud. I’ve almost eaten a whole family bag. Not just anybody could do that you know!

NARRATOR
Fiona wondered if she wanted to be the kind of person that could do that.

FIONA
Of course I do! Look.

Fiona points at a slogan printed on the side of the glossy bag. ‘FAMILY SIZE – JUST ADD FAMILY”.

FIONA (CONT’D)
I didn’t even need a family!

Pan out from Fiona to show a sadly empty room. Crickets chirp.

NARRATOR
Fiona was lonely.

FIONA
Shut up!

NARRATOR
And sad.

FIONA
Whaaaaat?

NARRATOR
And, although she tried, almost eating a whole family sized bag of Choco-choc-chocolate balls™, didn’t work to fill that loneliness.

FIONA
It filled me a little.

NARRATOR
The real question was, was Fiona going to eat the last four chocolate balls?

Fiona looks into the bag.

FIONA
Oh no.

NARRATOR
It didn’t look good.

FIONA
Okay, that’s it! I’ve had enough of you judging me! Who do you think you are?

NARRATOR
I’m you. I’m the other side of your thoughts.

FIONA
(sadly)
Oh yeah.

NARRATOR
So, Fiona my girl, we’re lonely, and food just isn’t cutting it tonight is it?

FIONA
I guess not.

NARRATOR Now we could sit here, feel sorry for ourselves, and eat those last four chocolate balls. Or, we could put on our coat, go somewhere, and make something happen!

FIONA
Yeah!

Fiona whips the blanket off of herself, and grabs her coat from the nearby coat rack. She puts it on, and goes to open the door. Fiona pauses. She looks back at the bag of Choco-choc-chocolate balls™.

FIONA (CONT’D)
You know, it seems silly to leave only four in the bag.

NARRATOR
GO!

Fiona hurries out the door.

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Firmness

INT. IKEA, BEDDING SECTION – DAY

NORA (28) pushes her hand down onto a mattress. Behind her, her sister, KATE (25), plays on her phone.

KATE
Why are you getting a new mattress anyway? Are you and Matt getting sperate beds? OMG! Are you and Matt getting a divorce?

NORA
What? No. Why do you always think Matt and I are getting divorced?

KATE
I don’t know. I just assume it’s going to happen one day.

NORA
Well, that’s rude. But no, I’m getting a new mattress because I read this article about how important the firmness of your mattress is.

Nora lies down onto the mattress. Kate lies down next to her.

KATE
Nora, why do you even read articles like that. OMG! This reminds me of this thing that happened to me the other day.

NORA
Stop saying OMG. You’re too old to be saying OMG.

KATE
I was leaving this guy’s house right.

NORA
What guy? What do you think of the firmness of this mattress?

KATE
Unimportant. To both your questions. So, I was leaving this guys house, and as I was going past his room mate’s room I saw-

Nora picks up the information tag for the mattress.

NORA
This says this mattress is a level 9 firmness, but the website explained firmness is term of degrees. How do you think the two compare?

KATE
Nora! I’m telling a story! You’re my big sister, you’re meant to always give me your attention.

NORA
Well you do have another big sister you could be telling this to.

KATE
Please, I can’t tell Audrey anything. She’s too easily distracted. Look at her. She’s licking a lamp.

Reveal Audrey (26) who sits on the floor beside them and who is indeed licking an orange lamp. She notices them looking at her.

AUDREY
I wanted to see if it tasted like orange.

KATE
Gross. And anyway, my story relates to this mattress thing.

NORA
Alright, continue. You were walking past the room mates bedroom…

KATE
Right. So, I looked into his bedroom, and something about it looked weird to me, and at first I couldn’t tell what it was.

AUDREY
You should buy a water bed.

NORA
What? No. Do water beds even exist anymore?
(Refering to the information tag)
Do you think level 9 means the same thing as 90 degrees of firmness?

KATE
Guys! My story! So I looked into the room mate’s room-

AUDREY
Did he have a water bed?

KATE
No! Audrey, only perverts and weirdos have water beds.

AUDREY
I have a water bed.

KATE
Exactly.

NORA
Do you think this mattress is too firm?

KATE
You’re not paying attention to my story!

AUDREY
I lost focus once I realised it didn’t have a water bed in it.

NORA
Sorry, Kate. Continue, I’m listening now.

KATE
Okay. Well, I knew something was wrong about the room, right. Then it hit me. There was no bed in his bedroom!

NORA
What? Really?

KATE
Yes!

AUDREY
Would it still be called a bedroom?

KATE
It turns out the guy slept on the floor. He was so into firmness that he found any mattress too soft.

NORA
Wow. That’s crazy.

KATE
I know.

NORA
It doesn’t really help me with my mattress problem though. I feel like I wouldn’t know if this bed was the right amount of firmness unless I actually slept on it. But I don’t want to buy a mattress only to return it the next day.

AUDREY
If you had a water bed you could just put more water into it to make it more firm, or let some water out to make it softer.

Nora and Kate look at each other in shock. Kate stands up and taps a nearby employee on the shoulder.

NORA
Excuse me. Where would I find the water beds?

KATE
Audrey, you’re a geniu- STOP LICKING THE LAMPS!