Fiona and the Choco-choc-chocolate balls™

INT. FIONA’S LOUNGE ROOM – EVENING

FIONA, red-haired, bookish, lays on her couch under a colourful blanket, a big bag of Choco-choc-chocolate balls™ sits on her lap, the TV plays in front of her. Fiona puts a chocolate ball in her mouth.

NARRATOR
Fiona’s in autopilot as her hand dips once more into the oversized bag of chocolates in her lap. She crams one of the chocolate balls into a face that seems completely glazed over.

FIONA
Hey! It’s not glazed over, and I’m not in autopilot! I know exactly how many Choco-choc-chocolate balls™ I’ve eaten.

She looks into the bag.

FIONA (CONT’D)
Wow! Is there really only four left?

NARRATOR
Fiona asked in surprise.

FIONA
It wasn’t surprise, it was … elation, at the sense of accomplishment.

NARRATOR
But Fiona wasn’t elated. She was disgusted by herself, at how many chocolate balls she had eaten. She was also nauseous, also a product of the amount of chocolate balls she had eaten.

FIONA
Hey I may be nauseous, but I’m not disgusted by myself! I’m proud. I’ve almost eaten a whole family bag. Not just anybody could do that you know!

NARRATOR
Fiona wondered if she wanted to be the kind of person that could do that.

FIONA
Of course I do! Look.

Fiona points at a slogan printed on the side of the glossy bag. ‘FAMILY SIZE – JUST ADD FAMILY”.

FIONA (CONT’D)
I didn’t even need a family!

Pan out from Fiona to show a sadly empty room. Crickets chirp.

NARRATOR
Fiona was lonely.

FIONA
Shut up!

NARRATOR
And sad.

FIONA
Whaaaaat?

NARRATOR
And, although she tried, almost eating a whole family sized bag of Choco-choc-chocolate balls™, didn’t work to fill that loneliness.

FIONA
It filled me a little.

NARRATOR
The real question was, was Fiona going to eat the last four chocolate balls?

Fiona looks into the bag.

FIONA
Oh no.

NARRATOR
It didn’t look good.

FIONA
Okay, that’s it! I’ve had enough of you judging me! Who do you think you are?

NARRATOR
I’m you. I’m the other side of your thoughts.

FIONA
(sadly)
Oh yeah.

NARRATOR
So, Fiona my girl, we’re lonely, and food just isn’t cutting it tonight is it?

FIONA
I guess not.

NARRATOR Now we could sit here, feel sorry for ourselves, and eat those last four chocolate balls. Or, we could put on our coat, go somewhere, and make something happen!

FIONA
Yeah!

Fiona whips the blanket off of herself, and grabs her coat from the nearby coat rack. She puts it on, and goes to open the door. Fiona pauses. She looks back at the bag of Choco-choc-chocolate balls™.

FIONA (CONT’D)
You know, it seems silly to leave only four in the bag.

NARRATOR
GO!

Fiona hurries out the door.

Firmness

INT. IKEA, BEDDING SECTION – DAY

NORA (28) pushes her hand down onto a mattress. Behind her, her sister, KATE (25), plays on her phone.

KATE
Why are you getting a new mattress anyway? Are you and Matt getting sperate beds? OMG! Are you and Matt getting a divorce?

NORA
What? No. Why do you always think Matt and I are getting divorced?

KATE
I don’t know. I just assume it’s going to happen one day.

NORA
Well, that’s rude. But no, I’m getting a new mattress because I read this article about how important the firmness of your mattress is.

Nora lies down onto the mattress. Kate lies down next to her.

KATE
Nora, why do you even read articles like that. OMG! This reminds me of this thing that happened to me the other day.

NORA
Stop saying OMG. You’re too old to be saying OMG.

KATE
I was leaving this guy’s house right.

NORA
What guy? What do you think of the firmness of this mattress?

KATE
Unimportant. To both your questions. So, I was leaving this guys house, and as I was going past his room mate’s room I saw-

Nora picks up the information tag for the mattress.

NORA
This says this mattress is a level 9 firmness, but the website explained firmness is term of degrees. How do you think the two compare?

KATE
Nora! I’m telling a story! You’re my big sister, you’re meant to always give me your attention.

NORA
Well you do have another big sister you could be telling this to.

KATE
Please, I can’t tell Audrey anything. She’s too easily distracted. Look at her. She’s licking a lamp.

Reveal Audrey (26) who sits on the floor beside them and who is indeed licking an orange lamp. She notices them looking at her.

AUDREY
I wanted to see if it tasted like orange.

KATE
Gross. And anyway, my story relates to this mattress thing.

NORA
Alright, continue. You were walking past the room mates bedroom…

KATE
Right. So, I looked into his bedroom, and something about it looked weird to me, and at first I couldn’t tell what it was.

AUDREY
You should buy a water bed.

NORA
What? No. Do water beds even exist anymore?
(Refering to the information tag)
Do you think level 9 means the same thing as 90 degrees of firmness?

KATE
Guys! My story! So I looked into the room mate’s room-

AUDREY
Did he have a water bed?

KATE
No! Audrey, only perverts and weirdos have water beds.

AUDREY
I have a water bed.

KATE
Exactly.

NORA
Do you think this mattress is too firm?

KATE
You’re not paying attention to my story!

AUDREY
I lost focus once I realised it didn’t have a water bed in it.

NORA
Sorry, Kate. Continue, I’m listening now.

KATE
Okay. Well, I knew something was wrong about the room, right. Then it hit me. There was no bed in his bedroom!

NORA
What? Really?

KATE
Yes!

AUDREY
Would it still be called a bedroom?

KATE
It turns out the guy slept on the floor. He was so into firmness that he found any mattress too soft.

NORA
Wow. That’s crazy.

KATE
I know.

NORA
It doesn’t really help me with my mattress problem though. I feel like I wouldn’t know if this bed was the right amount of firmness unless I actually slept on it. But I don’t want to buy a mattress only to return it the next day.

AUDREY
If you had a water bed you could just put more water into it to make it more firm, or let some water out to make it softer.

Nora and Kate look at each other in shock. Kate stands up and taps a nearby employee on the shoulder.

NORA
Excuse me. Where would I find the water beds?

KATE
Audrey, you’re a geniu- STOP LICKING THE LAMPS!

A Door in an Alleyway

EXT. ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

A MAN dressed in a long trench coat looks over his shoulder before entering a dirty, dimly lit, alleyway. Rain is pouring, all the colour of the world seems to have drained away with the rain. Very noir.

The man quickly rushes to the end of the alleyway. Leaning haphazardly against the wall of the alleyway is a large, discarded, metal door. The man looks around the rest of the alleyway, confused, then back at the door. He grabs it, pulls it forward, and looks behind it. Yep, nothing there, not attached.

The man leans the door back against the wall then notices an emblem imprinted into the top right hand corner of the door. Its a circular design of three foxes chasing each other. He recognizes it.

The man raises his hand to the door and knocks very specifically. Short, pause, long, short, pause, long, pause, short, pause, short, long, short.

A section of the door slides open and two eyes squint out of it. They disappear to be replaced by a mouth.

DOOR MAN
Hey there guy. What can I do for you?

MAN
I want to come in!

DOOR MAN
Sure, sure, and I would love to let you in, truly, but first I just need to know your intent.

MAN
Know my intent! How about get out of the rain!

DOOR MAN
Heh, I hear that brother, it does look like a gloomy one out there. Where are you? Melbourne? But I’m afraid that’s not an acceptable answer, we need something a little more concrete than that.

MAN
Hey! I’m getting soaked out here. I had to take public transport to get to this fucking place-

DOOR MAN
Sir.

MAN
-and then still walk about six blocks since you people insist on me not giving the address to a taxi driver-

DOOR MAN
Sir.

MAN
-as though he’d give a shit! I knocked your damn knock, and now you want me to recite some crap? Just let me in!

DOOR MAN
Sir. Sir. I understand you’re angry, but this is an organization, yeah? I’m just doing my job, okay Sir? Now I do not appreciate that tone, or some of the more…colourful…language you chose to use. Please try to remember that you’ve come to us. You need to use our services.

Beat.

MAN
You- you’re right. I apologise. I’m, I’m just having a bad day, it’s part of the reason I need to see you guys.

DOOR MAN
I understand and you’re forgiven, just no more potty mouth okay? We’re a mystical guild, not a…rap concert.

MAN
Sure.
DOOR MAN
Great. Now. Would you like a sugar snap?

Through the small hole in the doorway the doorman offers a small plate of biscuits.

DOOR MAN (CONT’D)
I baked them myself.

MAN
Oh, thanks.

The man takes one.

DOOR MAN
You’re welcome. Now, how about we try again. Hello Sir, lovely to meet you, would you mind telling me your intent?

MAN
I wish to hire the trio of foxes to kill a past version of myself.

The door slowly opens. The man pulls his coat up then steps in.

The door starts to slowly close.

MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)
You know, you’re not what I expected of an assassin’s guild.

DOOR MAN (O.S.)
We get that a lot.

The door shuts with a heavy thud.

Introducing the Faery Folk

INT. ELPHAME HOTEL LOBBY – DAY

The camera focuses on a comfortable, red sofa. Enter a stout, hairy man, mid 40’s, clothes and hair dishevealed. He rocks the camera as he walks past it, then settles his large bulk into the sofa, moving around in order to get comfortable and remove his well worn coat jacket from underneath himself. He settles with a sigh and looks into the camera.

INSERT TITLE: REYHOUND HAYES – BANDERSNATCH

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
Mr. Hayes, thanks for joining us.

REYHOUND
(Cockney accent)
Oh that’s no problem, and call me Reyhound.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
Reyhound, great, well thanks again.

REYHOUND
Yeah. So how does this work? You want to see what I do everyday? Just follow me around?

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
That’s right, you and a few others. Should we get started?

REYHOUND
Sure, ehh, what…what should I say first?

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
How about you start with a little about yourself.

REYHOUND
Alright, well I’m Reyhound Hayes, you already know that, I’m ohh… (he looks up and starts to calculate on his fingers) …about seven hundred and sixty three years old, oh, and I’m a bandersnatch.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
You’re certainly looking good for your age.

REYHOUND
Well that’s the cloak spell innit. Hides me, you know, so as not to scare anyone. Not that I think I’m scary mind, but the short-lived, they’re not used to the horns or a bit of fur.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
Short-lived?

REYHOUND
Yeah, mundies…muggles…humans! Anyone not faery folk. Surely you know what we call them.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
Yeah, but it’s for the camera, just in case any of the audience don’t know the vernacular.

REYHOUND
Oh right, yeah. Well like I was saying the short-lived don’t like me normal look. I think it’s the eyes that really get them…or maybe it’s the teeth. They’re usually too busy screaming if they ever see me to say exactly what it is.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
May we see your eyes?

REYHOUND
Oh yeah, if you want.

Reyhound’s eyes flash and for a moment they resemble a goats eyes.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
Very impressive. So does it annoy you to have to hide your appearance?

REYHOUND
I don’t know that it annoys me so much, it’s more…distancing.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
How so?

REYHOUND
Well nobody ever’s sees the real you do they? They see this…face and this body, but this isn’t me. I might as well be wearing a big mask on my head. Imagine trying to get to know people when you’ve got a paper bag on your head all the time.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
And you would like that? If people, humans, got to meet the real you?

REYHOUND
Yeah, yeah I’d like that. I think we’d all like to stop hiding. I mean isn’t that what this show’s for? To introduce us to the short-lived?

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
We hope so. Is that the reason why you agreed to do this?

REYHOUND
Yeah.

INTERVIEWER (O.S.)
You want them to know you exist?

A wave of melancholy passes over Reyhound’s face as he looks down.

Beat.

REYHOUND
You got any idea what’s it’s like to have no one believe in you?